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Post by corinalee on Jul 15, 2022 8:02:53 GMT -5
The iridescent blackbird perched on the eve of the house, its bone-white eyes bulging from its sockets. It tilted its head, seeming to target me through the truck window. Was it a raven? Every raven I’d ever seen had dark eyes. This bird’s eyes were empty. Lifeless.
“Aideen, could you grab my purse please?” Mom glanced over her shoulder as she opened the passenger side door.
“Sure.” I tore my gaze from the bird and grabbed Mom’s black bottomless pit, along with my own worn duffle; the fabric painted with constellations against a night sky. I exited the truck and closed the before turning to face my future.
Apprehension skittered down my spine as I surveyed the house. When had it fallen into such disrepair? In the year since our last visit the paint had turned ashen and patches of exposed wood lined the porch like cankers. But then the entire town of Kildere was much the same. Old.
“How are you, Maeve?” Mom called out to the woman sitting in the shadows under the porch awning. Nana rose from her chair, her brittle fingers gripping the railing to steady herself. Her shoulders hunched beneath the weight of her powdered blue housecoat.
“You’re late.” Nana’s voice cracked as she scolded us. “I was worried.”
“Sorry, Nana,” Dad said, circling the vehicle. “We had a flat outside Hulett and had to stop to buy a spare.” Dad held out his hand and Mom accepted it, her jade eyes crinkling in the corners. Together they headed for the front porch where we’d spent many lazy summer afternoons during our annual summer vacation sipping chamomile tea and eating shortbread cookies with Nana. Now the trees were changing color and it wouldn’t be long before the leaves coated the ground like frosting.
As I crossed the decaying lawn I glanced up and shuddered. The sun had fallen behind the house, the suns dying rays framing the dark silhouette still perched above us. The bird hadn’t moved and a shadow of unease darkened my mood. It wasn’t until I climbed onto the deck that the fingers of doom lifted from my shoulders. I could no longer see the bird. More important, it couldn’t see me.
“It’s good to be home,” Dad said, cradling Nana like a porcelain doll. The first smile I’d seen in forever stretched across his face.
“Thank you for taking us in,” Mom said. “I promise we won’t stay long.”
“Enough of that. You know you’re always welcome. I’m looking forward to the company.” Nana shuffled toward me. “Aidee, oh my, you’ve grown. Sixteen already? Don’t I get a hug from my best girl?”
“I’m your only girl Nana.” I placed a soft kiss on her weathered face, absorbing the comforting smells of fresh linen and lilacs.
Her tongue clicked. “You dyed your hair black. I don’t like it. I much prefer your beautiful natural mahogany. If God intended you to have black hair, you would’ve been born that way.”
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Post by britstanford on Jul 15, 2022 13:05:44 GMT -5
I like the contrast between the creepy and the cozy. Creepy bird and decaying house, and then loving nana and childhood memories. I might cut the part about grabbing mom's purse and move quicker into hints that they're moving into this place. Maybe have mom have her find something in a duffel bag. Give hints that they're moving towards something, or running? from something. There's lots of visual details, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling or looking forward to, or mysteries I want to resolve. It seems she's looking towards a new future, but is this a permanent move or a quick visit? Is she excited to be there, aside from the weird bird, or dreading it?
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Post by corinalee on Jul 15, 2022 16:31:28 GMT -5
You have a lot of good points I can consider. Thank you!
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Post by christinaf on Jul 16, 2022 15:41:19 GMT -5
The iridescent blackbird perched on the eve of the house, its bone-white eyes bulging from its sockets. It tilted its head, seeming to target me through the truck window. Was it a raven? Every raven I’d ever seen had dark eyes. This bird’s eyes were empty. Lifeless. Maybe you could add an emotion of how the character seeing this is feeling in this paragraph too since it's got some nice creepy/evocative language that for me elicits a creeped out/uneasy feeling that I'd love to see if the character felt that too.
“Aideen, could you grab my purse please?” Mom glanced over her shoulder as she opened the passenger side door.
“Sure.” I tore my gaze from the bird and grabbed Mom’s black bottomless pit, along with my own worn duffle; the fabric painted with constellations against a night sky. I exited the truck and closed the door? before turning to face my future. I wonder if you could add a little more setting description somewhere around here? Maybe when she turns away from the bird you could show if it's sunny or cloudy out or whatever it might be. Or you could show earlier if the bird creeped her out, you could use that to contrast or relate her having a chill to if it's hot or cold out? Just a little something more of the setting to ground the reader, doesn't have to be much
Apprehension skittered down my spine as I surveyed the house. When had it fallen into such disrepair? In the year since our last visit the paint had turned ashen and patches of exposed wood lined the porch like cankers. (<--I like that a lot. But then the entire town of Kildere was much the same. Old.
“How are you, Maeve?” Mom called out to the woman sitting in the shadows under the porch awning. Nana rose from her chair, her brittle fingers gripping the railing to steady herself. Her shoulders hunched beneath the weight of her powdered-blue (<--hyphen here?) housecoat.
“You’re late.” Nana’s voice cracked as she scolded us. “I was worried.”
“Sorry, Nana,” Dad said, circling the vehicle. Oh, her dad is here too? Maybe you can just add a mention of him getting out of the truck also when the MC does too? Otherwise I thought it was just her and her mom. “We had a flat outside Hulett and had to stop to buy a spare.” Dad held out his hand and Mom accepted it, her jade eyes crinkling in the corners. Together they headed for the front porch where we’d spent many lazy summer afternoons during our annual summer vacation sipping chamomile tea and eating shortbread cookies with Nana. Now the trees were changing color and it wouldn’t be long before the leaves coated the ground like frosting.
As I crossed the decaying lawn I glanced up and shuddered. The sun had fallen behind the house, the suns dying rays framing the dark silhouette still perched above us. The bird hadn’t moved and a shadow of unease darkened my mood. It wasn’t until I climbed onto the deck that the fingers of doom lifted from my shoulders. I could no longer see the bird. More important, it couldn’t see me. (Nice line! I like it a lot.) (I also see you have some of the setting description here which is great but maybe adding a little description earlier would be good too)
“It’s good to be home,” Dad said, cradling Nana like a porcelain doll. The first smile I’d seen in forever stretched across his face.
“Thank you for taking us in,” Mom said. “I promise we won’t stay long.”
“Enough of that. You know you’re always welcome. I’m looking forward to the company.” Nana shuffled toward me. “Aidee, oh my, you’ve grown. Sixteen already? Don’t I get a hug from my best girl?”
“I’m your only girl Nana.” I placed a soft kiss on her weathered face, absorbing the comforting smells of fresh linen and lilacs.
Her tongue clicked. “You dyed your hair black. I don’t like it. I much prefer your beautiful natural mahogany. If God intended you to have black hair, you would’ve been born that way.” lol
Nice opening. I know it's only 500 words so maybe in the next bit you show this, but I'd love a hint of why they are here and this is now Aideen's future. Overall, very nice though and I'd keep reading! Good luck with this!
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Post by toniapolak on Jul 17, 2022 18:35:59 GMT -5
The iridescent (this doesn't add anything to the description) black (space here so we don't think it's an actual blackbird, but a bird that's black) bird perched on the eves of the house, its bone-white eyes bulging from its sockets. It tilted its head, seeming to target (I would use different words here - maybe something like 'fixing me with its unholy stare.' or something like that. The character can't know that the bird is targeting her, and if it is, then you need to describe how - show vs tell etc) me through the truck window (windscreen?). Was it a raven? Every raven I’d ever seen had dark eyes. This bird’s eyes were empty. Lifeless.
“Aideen, could you grab my purse please?” Mom glanced over her shoulder as she opened the passenger side door.
“Sure.” I tore my gaze from the bird and grabbed Mom’s black bottomless pit (this is a bit confusing and/or distracting and doesn't add anything to the passage. It puts too much focus on the purse, and deflates the mood you're trying to build), along with my own worn duffle; the fabric painted with constellations against a night sky (again, there's a lot of attention to the details / description of the purse and duffle. I would use your word count to describe the roof the bird is sitting on, the house, the landscape. Build the scene. I live in an area with a lot of ravens, so my mind takes me to places I've been (eg. a mountain strip mall). You want to make sure the reader sees what you're seeing, not defaulting to places they've seen ravens in their own lives. I exited the truck and closed the door before turning to face my future.
Apprehension skittered down my spine as I surveyed the house. When had it fallen into such disrepair? In the year since our last visit the paint had turned ashen and patches of exposed wood lined the porch like cankers. But then the entire town of Kildere was much the same. Old.
“How are you, Maeve?” Mom called out to the woman sitting in the shadows under the porch awning. Nana rose from her chair, her brittle (describe them in a new sentence) fingers gripping the railing to steady herself. Her shoulders hunched beneath the weight of her powdered blue housecoat.
“You’re late.” Nana’s voice cracked as she scolded us. “I was worried.”
“Sorry, Nana,” Dad (Dad has been noticeably absent from the earlier passages, but I think adding more meat to the bones of the story can provide him with an earlier introduction) said, circling the vehicle. “We had a flat outside Hulett and had to stop to buy a spare.” Dad held out his hand and Mom accepted it, her jade eyes crinkling in the corners. Together they headed for the front porch where we’d spent many lazy summer afternoons during our annual summer vacation sipping chamomile tea and eating shortbread cookies with Nana. Now the trees were changing color and it wouldn’t be long before the leaves coated the ground like frosting (this sounds like something we would see in winter, rather than fall, so the simile doesn't quite work here).
As I crossed the decaying (describe in a new sentence, otherwise it's telling) lawn I glanced up and shuddered. The sun had fallen behind the house, the suns its dying rays framing the dark silhouette still perched above us. The bird hadn’t moved and a shadow of unease darkened my mood. It wasn’t until I climbed onto the deck that the fingers of doom lifted from my shoulders. I could no longer see the bird. More important, it couldn’t see me. In the same paragraph, the bird is there, there, still there, until it's no longer there. I think the bird vanishing needs it own paragraph.
“It’s good to be home,” Dad said, cradling Nana like a porcelain doll. The first smile I’d seen in forever stretched across his face.
“Thank you for taking us in,” Mom said. “I promise we won’t stay long.”
“Enough of that. You know you’re always welcome. I’m looking forward to the company.” Nana shuffled toward me. “Aidee, oh my, you’ve grown. Sixteen already? Don’t I get a hug from my best girl?”
“I’m your only girl Nana.” I placed a soft kiss on her weathered face, absorbing the comforting smells of fresh linen and lilacs.
Her tongue clicked. “You dyed your hair black. I don’t like it. I much prefer your beautiful natural mahogany. If God intended you to have black hair, you would’ve been born that way.”
I love the gothic mood of this scene, mixed with some lazy summer vibes. I'm not sure your story starts in the right place - I think building the scene and describing the family driving up to the old house might give it more context and more atmosphere. Also, this seems to be an example of 'underwriting'. You've got great bones and a great framework for your story, but it definitely needs to be fleshed out more. Instead of using adjectives, try to add more description. Describe the scene and paint a picture for the reader, build the atmosphere and the mood through prose, otherwise the reader is doing all the work and relying on their own imagination to fill the gaps. Good luck with this!  |
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Post by corinalee on Jul 18, 2022 6:49:22 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your comments! I will consider your advice and see how I can improve my opening. Thank you again!
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