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Post by thecrestofregencia on Jul 14, 2022 12:21:12 GMT -5
The edge of the paper crumpled under Karina’s fingertips. She loosened her grip, then smoothed out the crinkles in the invitation. It wouldn’t be long. She wouldn’t have to stay there long. Right?
“Lady Farlowe? We’re coming upon the Lavi River. We should arrive within the hour!” a voice cried from outside the carriage. It was the new guy; Karina couldn’t remember his name. A few rogue guesses swirled through her mind, but before she could settle on one-
“Thank you, Mr. Geil,” Erix called out the window. He glanced at Karina. “That was your line,” he said softly, though Geil was already calling back.
“No problem, Lord Regent Okoro!”
“I’m sorry, Erix,” Karina muttered, her fingers smoothing the tasseled seats of the carriage. Her father’s best friend sighed. He didn’t seem to want to be here any more than she did. But he straightened, gave a strained smile, and turned to her.
“What are you going to do when you get to the Castle?” Karina stifled a sigh. Erix had quizzed her on this at least eighteen times. She hoped nineteen would suffice. She looked towards him. His dark, curly hair was neatly arranged in locks, and his usual tailored coat suited his dark skin tone perfectly. He looked immaculate, prepared to meet the Queen; Karina tucked a lock of her brown hair behind her ear, suddenly self conscious.
“I’m going to walk inside,” she began. “I’m going to follow their instructions until I get to the throne room. I’m going to greet Queen Isadora with a proper curtsy, and introduce myself as Lady Karina Farlowe of the Purple Sector, daughter of the late Lord Noah Farlowe and his wife Lenna Toldalo Farlowe.” Karina’s voice still frayed a bit at their names, but she continued. “I’m going to go to the banquet. I’m going to introduce myself politely to the nobles of the Blue, Green, and Yellow Sectors. I’m going to listen to whatever the Queen has to say. Then I’m going to come home to Vallepino.”
“Karina!” Erix said, exasperated. “You’re not coming home!” The words felt like a lightning strike, and Erix could clearly tell, as he amended them. “You’re probably going to be asked to stay. I just want to prepare you for the inevitable.”
“It wouldn’t be inevitable if you said no,” said Karina, managing to keep her voice mostly calm as she held up the letter.
“Your parents would not have wanted me to say no,” Erix said, firmly. Karina wanted to disagree, wanted to say she was only fifteen and her mother would have looked the Queen right in the eyes and said Karina wasn’t going, but Erix’s voice softened before she could.
“Karina. You’ve been alone since you were thirteen. And I don’t mean without your parents, I mean without anyone. It’s been almost two years since you’ve gone anywhere you didn’t have to, done anything for fun. And I know this isn’t a holiday, but… just try? Please?”
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Post by hannahgreer on Jul 14, 2022 16:00:51 GMT -5
The edge of the paper crumpled under Karina’s fingertips. She loosened her grip, then smoothed out the crinkles in the invitation. It wouldn’t be long. She wouldn’t have to stay there long. Right? Very intriguing! You express how she's feeling with actions and thoughts and now I'm wondering where she'll have to stay and how long it will be.
“Lady Farlowe? We’re coming upon the Lavi River. We should arrive within the hour!” a voice cried from outside the carriage. It was the new guy; Karina couldn’t remember his name. Cadent? Calden?
“Thank you, Mr. Geil,” Erix called out the window. He glanced at Karina. “That was your line,” he said softly, though Geil was already calling back.
“No problem, Lord Regent Okoro!” He sighed. I'm a little confused on who is sighing. Since I think the dialogue is from Geil, it makes it sound like he's the one sighing, but I was imagining him too far away for Karina to be able to hear that. I think you could change this by either changing where the paragraph breaks are or using his name. Maybe just play around and see what flows better.
“I’m sorry, Erix,” Karina muttered, her fingers smoothing the tasseled seats of the carriage. Her father’s best friend sighed softly. He didn’t seem to want to be here any more than she did. But he straightened, gave a strained smile, and turned to her.
“What are you going to do when you get to the Castle?” Karina stifled a sigh. Erix had quizzed her on this at least eighteen times. She hoped nineteen would suffice. She looked towards him. His dark, curly hair was neatly arranged in locks, and his usual black suit suited his dark skin tone perfectly. He looked immaculate, prepared to meet the Queen; Karina tucked a lock of her brown hair behind her ear, suddenly self conscious.
“I’m going to walk inside,” she began. “I’m going to follow their instructions until I get to the throne room. I’m going to greet Queen Isadora with a proper curtsy, and introduce myself as Lady Karina Farlowe of the Purple Sector, daughter of the late Lord Noah Farlowe and his wife Lenna Toldalo Farlowe.” Karina’s voice still frayed a bit at their names, but she continued. “I’m going to go to the banquet. I’m going to introduce myself politely to the nobles of the Blue, Green, and Yellow Sectors. I’m going to listen to whatever the Queen has to say. Then I’m going to come home to Vallepino.”
“Karina!” Erix said, exasperated. “You’re not coming home!” The words felt like a lightning strike, and Erix could clearly tell, as he amended them. “You’re probably going to be asked to stay. I just want to prepare you for the inevitable.” Oh poor Karina! So I'm assuming Erix has told her this before but she just doesn't want to have to stay. This all does make me very curious as to the world building and why she's been summoned.
“It wouldn’t be inevitable if you said no,” said Karina, managing to keep her voice mostly calm as she held up the letter.
“Karina. Your parents would not have wanted me to say no,” Erix snapped. Karina wanted to disagree, wanted to say she was only fifteen and her mother would have looked the Queen right in the eyes and said Karina was staying in the Purple Sector if the Queen had asked her instead of Erix, but Erix’s voice softened before she could. This sentence is a little long which makes it a bit hard to follow. It may benefit from being broken up.
“Karina. You’ve been alone since you were thirteen. And I don’t mean without your parents, I mean without anyone. It’s been almost two years since you’ve gone anywhere you didn’t have to, done anything for fun. And I know this isn’t a holiday, but… just try? Please?” The dynamic between these characters are interesting, because it seems like Erik is in charge of both her and maybe even the Purple Sector but she's the child of important people(I'm assuming the people who were in charge of the Purple Sector before their death). I wonder if when she gets older, will she be in charge of the Purple Sector? Or is there a gender bias going on? Why would the Queen care if she stayed or not?
Overall, I really enjoyed this first snippet of your story! I would definitely continue reading. It proposes so many questions and I'm intrigued by Karina's attitude. It's a great hook. The world building seems pretty exiting too. Great job! |
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Post by britstanford on Jul 15, 2022 14:10:25 GMT -5
These bits read pretty modern for a fantasy. I'm wondering if this is a modern fantasy, maybe? Good line. It makes me like Erix, though later on, I get the sense that maybe I shouldn't. He glanced at Karina. “That was your line,” he said softly His dark, curly hair was neatly arranged in locks Like, each curl was arranged in rows or something? I was a bit confused by this detail. I'm wondering if you're starting your story too early. I'm not super invested because I don't have a clear idea of where the story is going. I get the sense that her parents aren't around by the very end. Dead? Just, not present? That Erix might be in charge and too controlling. She's meeting the queen and seems like she's nervous and just wants to go home. A homebody? Shy? Trauma? Some good elements, but I think you need some solid details to hook the reader early on, as it seems too vague right now. |
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Post by christinaf on Jul 16, 2022 15:51:25 GMT -5
The edge of the paper crumpled under Karina’s fingertips. She loosened her grip, then smoothed out the crinkles in the invitation. It wouldn’t be long. She wouldn’t have to stay there long. Right?
“Lady Farlowe? We’re coming upon the Lavi River. We should arrive within the hour!” a voice cried from outside the carriage. It was the new guy; Karina couldn’t remember his name. Cadent? Calden? Maybe you could take out her guessing the name? I like the voice it add here, but there are a lot of new names (Karina, Lavi River, Caden, Calden, Mr. Geil, Erix, Lord Regent Okoro) here very quickly that the guessing ones just add a bit too much to them also and it might be easier for the reader to just take out the ones that don't matter.
“Thank you, Mr. Geil,” Erix called out the window. He glanced at Karina. “That was your line,” he said softly, though Geil was already calling back.
“No problem, Lord Regent Okoro!”
“I’m sorry, Erix,” Karina muttered, her fingers smoothing the tasseled seats of the carriage. Her father’s best friend sighed softly Just a suggestion but I think you could take out 'softly' here. I started focusing on the sssss of the sighed softly being 'said' together in my mind instead of focusing on the story itself. He didn’t seem to want to be here any more than she did. But he straightened, gave a strained smile, and turned to her.
“What are you going to do when you get to the Castle Is 'Castle' what it's also named? If not, I think you don't need the capitalization. ?” Karina stifled a sigh. Erix had quizzed her on this at least eighteen times. She hoped nineteen would suffice. She looked towards him. His dark, curly hair was neatly arranged in locks, and his usual black suit suited Maybe rephrase to cut down on the suit/suited echo here. his dark skin tone perfectly. He looked immaculate, prepared to meet the Queen; Karina tucked a lock of her brown hair behind her ear, suddenly self conscious.
“I’m going to walk inside,” she began. “I’m going to follow their instructions until I get to the throne room. I’m going to greet Queen Isadora with a proper curtsy, and introduce myself as Lady Karina Farlowe of the Purple Sector, daughter of the late Lord Noah Farlowe and his wife Lenna Toldalo Farlowe.” Karina’s voice still frayed a bit at their names, but she continued. “I’m going to go to the banquet. I’m going to introduce myself politely to the nobles of the Blue, Green, and Yellow Sectors. I’m going to listen to whatever the Queen has to say. Then I’m going to come home to Vallepino.”
“Karina!” Erix said, exasperated. “You’re not coming home!” The words felt like a lightning strike, and Erix could clearly tell, as he amended them. “You’re probably going to be asked to stay. I just want to prepare you for the inevitable.”
“It wouldn’t be inevitable if you said no,” said Karina, managing to keep her voice mostly calm as she held up the letter.
“Karina. Your parents would not have wanted me to say no,” Erix snapped. Karina wanted to disagree, wanted to say she was only fifteen and her mother would have looked the Queen right in the eyes and said Karina wasn’t going, but Erix’s voice softened before she could.
“Karina. You’ve been alone since you were thirteen. And I don’t mean without your parents, I mean without anyone. It’s been almost two years since you’ve gone anywhere you didn’t have to, done anything for fun. And I know this isn’t a holiday, but… just try? Please?” This is a nice opening and I know it's only 500 words, but I'm wondering if we can get just a hint what she's going there for and why she doesn't want to be staying. I'm also feeling a bit of whiplash on Erix's mood/tone here. He seemed to be a stand-in almost parental figure type of caring/teaching character and then he's suddenly snapping at her. Maybe you could even out the tone of his character in this opening? Unless he's really supposed to be so hot and cold and probably not overly liked by the reader because of that. Overall, nice job though and good luck with this! |
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Post by toniapolak on Jul 17, 2022 17:28:25 GMT -5
The edge of the paper crumpled under Karina’s fingertips. She loosened her grip, then smoothed out the crinkles in the invitation. It wouldn’t be long. She wouldn’t have to stay there long. Right? “Lady Farlowe? We’re coming upon the Lavi River. We should arrive within the hour!” a voice cried from outside the carriage (I would put this dialogue tag after the Lady Farlowe sentence. It was a surprise that the man was crying out, rather than speaking normally. It was the new guy; Karina couldn’t remember his name. A few rouge (not sure what this is supposed to be - rogue?) guesses swirled through her mind, but before she could settle on one- “Thank you, Mr. Geil,” Erix called out the window. He glanced at Karina. “That was your line,” he said softly, though Geil was already calling back. “No problem, Lord Regent Okoro!” “I’m sorry, Erix,” Karina muttered, her fingers smoothing the tasseled seats of the carriage. Her father’s best friend sighed. He didn’t seem to want to be here any more than she did. But he straightened, gave a strained smile, and turned to her. “What are you going to do when you get to the Castle?” Karina stifled a sigh. Erix had quizzed her on this at least eighteen times. She hoped nineteen would suffice. She looked towards him. His dark, curly hair was neatly arranged in locks, and his usual tailored coat suited his dark skin tone perfectly. He looked immaculate, prepared to meet the Queen; Karina tucked a lock of her brown hair behind her ear, suddenly self conscious. “I’m going to walk inside,” she began. “I’m going to follow their instructions until I get to the throne room. I’m going to greet Queen Isadora with a proper curtsy, and introduce myself as Lady Karina Farlowe of the Purple Sector, daughter of the late Lord Noah Farlowe and his wife Lenna Toldalo Farlowe.” Karina’s voice still frayed a bit at their names (love this line!), but she continued. “I’m going to go to the banquet. I’m going to introduce myself politely to the nobles of the Blue, Green, and Yellow Sectors. I’m going to listen to whatever the Queen has to say. Then I’m going to come home to Vallepino.” “ Karina!” Names in dialogue are rarely needed. Even though we use them in real life, in novels and stories it's not necessary. If you started with "You're not coming home!" Erix said exasperated. - it will raise the tension and create a much stronger image. Erix said, exasperated. “You’re not coming home!” The words felt like a lightning strike, and Erix could clearly tell, as he amended them (this is head hopping - the reader is now in Erix's head and knows what he is thinking/feeling, but the story is being told from Karina's POV. “You’re probably going to be asked to stay. I just want to prepare you for the inevitable.” (Filler words like suddenly, probably, even, just, well, get, got are not necessary. You have a much stronger sentence when you take them out. I would even switch out 'You're going to be asked to stay' for 'You will be asked to stay'. Shorter is almost always better.  “It wouldn’t be inevitable if you said no,” said Karina, managing to keep her voice mostly calm as she held up the letter. “Your parents would not have wanted me to say no,” Erix said, firmly (describe him, rather than using -ly words eg. the muscle in his jaw twitched and he pressed his lips together in that no-nonsense way of his. Karina wanted to disagree, wanted to say she was only fifteen and her mother would have looked the Queen right in the eyes and said Karina wasn’t going, but Erix’s voice softened before she could. “Karina. You’ve been alone since you were thirteen. And I don’t mean without your parents, I mean without anyone. It’s been almost two years since you’ve gone anywhere you didn’t have to, done anything for fun. And I know this isn’t a holiday, but… just try? Please?” I enjoyed reading this passage. I think you did a great job of showing (not telling) and we're getting to know the characters. I love the title and I would be intrigued to read more! Good luck with it. |
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