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Post by Hannah H on Jul 14, 2022 9:35:51 GMT -5
Hi Everyone! Thank you for taking a look at my query. This is just the book blurb part of the query - I will add the meta data and bio later.  Ever since she saw her first ghost, twelve-year-old Riley Gates has been obsessed with the supernatural. She earns her allowance hiding in Savannah cemeteries, scaring tourists for her parents’ walking tour, and her idol is the host of Paranormal Pioneers, a ghost-hunting show with depressingly low ratings. Living in the most haunted city in America even makes her lack of friends bearable—after all, a friend would just get in the way of her paranormal investigations. But then her parents reveal shocking news: the ghost tour is going under and their family will be moving to Michigan. No one seems to care that Riley’s world is collapsing around her, not her parents or her classmates, and certainly not her ex-best-friend-turned-nemesis, Sarah Clarke. When it’s revealed that Paranormal Pioneers will be hosting a ghost-hunting competition in her hometown of Savannah, it looks like all of Riley’s prayers have been answered. Not only does she have it in the bag (after all, she eats, sleeps, and breathes ghosts), but there’s a ten-thousand-dollar grand prize. The catch? Everyone must compete in teams of two, and the only kid in her class not partnered up is Sarah. If Riley can’t swallow her pride, she’ll be forced to miss out on competing altogether. To win the grand prize, they’ll have to spend Halloween night in the infamously haunted Barrentine House. But the ghosts of Barrentine House are angrier and more dangerous than anyone expects. As the competition heats up and secrets are revealed, Riley begins to suspect there may be a lot more at stake than money. |
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Post by Daniel Tess on Jul 14, 2022 11:47:22 GMT -5
This caught my attention in a good way
Right off the bat, it sounds to me a bit like what I've heard about Olive and the Backstage Ghost by Michelle Schusterman (Though I have not read it, if you're in search for comps maybe something to look into?)
So while I already think this is eye-catching and fairly tight, here are a few areas in which I wonder if you can improve further.
Hi Everyone! Thank you for taking a look at my query. This is just the book blurb part of the query - I will add the meta data and bio later. Ever since she saw her first ghost, twelve-year-old Riley Gates has been obsessed with the supernatural. She earns her allowance hiding in Savannah cemeteries, and scaring tourists for her parents’ walking tour , and. The sentence is getting too long, so I'd split in two. Her idol is the host of Paranormal Pioneers, a ghost-hunting show with depressingly low ratings. Living in the most haunted city in America even This "even" is doing a ton of work and I wish it didn't have to. Sarah Clarke sounds like an integral part of the main plot. (I mean, Riley is a clear favorite to win this competition, so the tension isn't derived from her ability to compete. It's derived from her ability to mend her relationship with Sarah.) I read Sarah as really important. But grammatically, in this query, Sarah always appears at the end of paragraphs kind of like an afterthought. Consider replacing this "even" with a presentation of the breakup and naming Sarah here, so we have her front of mind. makes her lack of friends bearable—after all, a friend Sarah would just get in the way of her paranormal investigations. But then her parents reveal shocking news: the ghost tour is going under and their family will be moving to Michigan. No one seems to care that Riley’s world is collapsing around her, not her parents or her classmates, and certainly not her ex-best-friend-turned-nemesis,if you take my earlier suggestion this becomes redundant, or perhaps moves to that earlier spot. Sarah Clarke. When it’s revealed that Paranormal Pioneers will be hosting a ghost-hunting competition in her hometown of Savannah, [THIS] it looks like all of Riley’s prayers have been answered. [/THIS] Not only does she have it in the bag (after all, she eats, sleeps, and breathes ghosts), but there’s a [AND THIS]ten-thousand-dollar grand prize. [/AND THIS] are connected. From the two results the that "Money saves the business so Riley won't have to move". By sharing these ideas separated like you did, the conclusion gets obscured. Consider joining these two ideas together, and using them like that to underline why she wants to win the prize, AKA spell out what the prize can do for her. The parenthetical of why Riley has this in the bag can go elsewhere.. The catch? Everyone must compete in teams of two, and the only kid in her class not partnered up is Sarah. If Riley can’t swallow her pride, she’ll be forced to miss out on competing altogether. To win the grand prize, they’ll have to spend Halloween night in the infamously haunted Barrentine House. But the ghosts of Barrentine House are angrier and more dangerous than anyone expects. As the competition heats up and secrets are revealed, Riley begins to suspect there may be a lot more at stake than money.
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Post by taratlk on Jul 14, 2022 11:48:10 GMT -5
Okay, I think this is all cool stuff. For me I think the link between the prize and the move needs to be more explicit.I have taken liberties here as an example, but obviously do what is correct for your story. Ever since she saw her first ghost, twelve-year-old Riley Gates has been obsessed with the supernatural. She earns her allowance hiding in Savannah cemeteries, scaring tourists for her parents’ walking tour, and her idol is the host of Paranormal Pioneers, a ghost-hunting show with depressingly low ratings. She hardly even minds the loss of her ex-best friend turned nemesis Sara, because living in the most haunted city in America, gives her plenty of paranormal investigations to work on. But then her parents reveal shocking news: the ghost tour is going under and their family will be moving to Michigan. No one seems to care that Riley’s world is collapsing around her. When it’s revealed that Paranormal Pioneers will be hosting a ghost-hunting competition in her hometown of Savannah, Riley is excited. She can ace this competition, meet her her idol, and, with a grand prize of ten thousand dollars, she's sure she can convince her family to stay in Savannah. The catch? Everyone must compete in teams of two, and the only kid in her class not partnered up is Sarah. If Riley can’t swallow her pride, she’ll be forced to miss out on competing altogether. To win the grand prize, they’ll have to spend Halloween night in the infamously haunted Barrentine House. But the ghosts of Barrentine House are angrier and more dangerous than anyone expects. As the competition heats up and secrets are revealed, Riley begins to suspect there may be a lot more at stake than money. |
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Post by RebeccaJ_Allen on Jul 15, 2022 10:42:24 GMT -5
IDK, I actually thought everything was pretty clear and the story sounds fun! I do agree that that sentence in the first paragraph is long and could be split in two. I got the connection between the prize money and not moving, but it's pretty easy to make that clear. But I do think "ex-best-friend-turned-nemesis" makes the Sarah bit quite clear.
For what it's worth...
All the best with your project!
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Post by ledelbrock on Jul 15, 2022 12:07:37 GMT -5
I love spooky stories and this sounds great! I really thought the original was super strong. I see the stakes, friendship issues, and spooooky things. This is a TINY nitpick, but it might help to have Savannah in the second paragraph so it is clear what the most haunted city in America is, then in the third paragraph you don't have to say hometown Savannah... b/c then I was slightly thrown, like, is her hometown where she lives NOW or where she lived before? Then my brain caught up and clued it in that IT was the most haunted city in America. I eventually got it, but just for clarity might help to state it earlier and remove the word hometown  If you are looking for comps, check out Lindsey Currie's Scritch Scratch. Good luck with this! |
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