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Post by melpend on Jul 14, 2022 8:30:42 GMT -5
Twelve-year-old Lacy Pembroke loves a good adventure. That is until she discovers her new house is haunted.
Lacy owes her aunt everything. It was Aunt June who took her in after she survived a car accident that claimed the lives of her parents. So when June’s dream of turning their newly acquired home into a bed and breakfast is about to come true, Lacy is excited to help. Then Lacy meets Simon, a quirky neighborhood boy, and learns the truth about the house. Plagued by a fear of the dark that resulted from the accident, Lacy just got much more than she bargained for.
From the first night they move in, Lacy hears eerie sounds, lights turn on and off by themselves, and a shadowy figure lurks in the top window. When guests come to stay, more disturbing events have everyone spooked. Strange noises continue, things go missing, and someone even rearranges the attic! The arrival of an unexpected visitor and the guests’ unusual behavior make everyone a suspect. Who, or what is behind these mysterious occurrences? Lacy is determined to find out but her aunt’s denial, Simon’s absurd theories, and her own paralyzing fear prevent her from uncovering the truth.
If she doesn’t conquer her fear, Lacy may never solve the mystery of the so-called haunted house. Time is running out. Can she prove she’s more than some helpless kid with a fear of the dark before the B&B is shut down and she loses her home for good?
Complete at 56,000 words, THE HOUSE ON WINGING WAY is a middle grade mystery will appeal to fans of Lindsay Currie (THE PECULIAR INCIDENT ON SHADY STREET) and Sheila Turnage (THE GHOSTS OF TUPELO LANDING).
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Post by taratlk on Jul 14, 2022 12:05:01 GMT -5
This story sounds so great.
I think the statements that Lacy is up for adventure, but terrified of the dark - it's not that both things can't be true, but it's a lot to reassess in a few sentences, if that makes sense.
So, my tweaks below. As always hope it helps, discard what doesn't.
Lacy's been living with her Aunt June since her parents died in the same car accident that left her terrified of the dark. So when June’s dream of turning their newly acquired home into a bed and breakfast is about to come true, Lacy is excited to help.
Neighborhood kid Simon tells Lacy the house is haunted.Aunt June says that's ridiculous.
(I think the rest is great.)
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Post by cblevins on Jul 14, 2022 14:16:27 GMT -5
What a great premise! Personally, I liked that you mentioned Lacy's love of adventure with her fear of the dark. I felt like you did a good job explaining that her fear of the dark is a newer thing. Your description definitely leaves me wanting to see more of this project. Your query is clear and concise. Best wishes!
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Post by RebeccaJ_Allen on Jul 14, 2022 15:29:02 GMT -5
Oooh! I love a spooky MG story! This sounds fun!
I think your query is already quite strong but have a few comments comments threaded below. Use what works for you and toss the rest!
Twelve-year-old Lacy Pembroke loves a good adventure. That is until she discovers her new house is haunted. Lacy owes her aunt everything. It was Aunt June who took her in after she survived a car accident that claimed the lives of her parents. So when June’s dream of turning their newly acquired home into a bed and breakfast is about to come true, Lacy is excited to help. Then Lacy meets Simon, a quirky neighborhood boy, and learns the truth about the house. Plagued by a fear of the dark that resulted from the accident, Lacy just got much more than she bargained for. [here, i'm unclear on how fear of the dark relates to getting more than she bargained for.]From the first night they move in, Lacy hears eerie sounds [having Lacy as the subject of this clause and intimate objects as the subjects of the other two bothers me, but maybe that's just me? I'd change that phrase so the sounds was the subject for consistency, then you can add detail about what the sounds are], lights turn on and off by themselves, and a shadowy figure lurks in the top window. When guests come to stay, more disturbing events have everyone spooked. [this sentence doesn't push you forward much. you could combine it with the next one. also, no need to note the strange noises continue. we'll assume things get worse.] Strange noises continue, things go missing, and someone even rearranges the attic! The arrival of an unexpected visitor and the guests’ unusual behavior make everyone a suspect. Who, or what is behind these mysterious occurrences? Lacy is determined to find out but her aunt’s denial, Simon’s absurd theories, and her own paralyzing fear prevent her from uncovering the truth. [great obstacles]If she doesn’t conquer her fear, Lacy may never solve the mystery of the so-called haunted house. Time is running out. [not needed b/c you make the time pressure clear in the next sentence.]Can she prove she’s more than some helpless kid with a fear of the dark before the B&B is shut down and she loses her home for good? Complete at 56,000 words, THE HOUSE ON WINGING WAY is a middle grade mystery will appeal to fans of Lindsay Currie (THE PECULIAR INCIDENT ON SHADY STREET) and Sheila Turnage (THE GHOSTS OF TUPELO LANDING). |
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Post by ledelbrock on Jul 16, 2022 13:16:07 GMT -5
Hey! This sounds fantastic, Sheila's Three Times Lucky series is one of my fave mystery series of all time!
A few thoughts:
1. The first sentence doesn't hook me, mainly b/c it sounds like the setup of every ghost story ever. What IS hooky, is the MC's life story. I would suggest starting with the paragraph about her aunt/backstory and weaving in her age.
2. Some of the language in the first paragraph is a bit formal. "claimed the lives of her parents" "newly acquired home" and "Plagued by a fear..." are turns of phrase that are a bit more adult. The next paragraph gets much voicier (in a good way!) so maybe find less formal ways to phrase some of it.
3. I want to know why she thinks (knows?) it's a so-called haunted house, and not REALLY a haunted house. What makes her so certain there's a mystery to solve?
Overall, sounds like a really fun story! Good luck!
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Post by melpend on Jul 16, 2022 14:56:21 GMT -5
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Post by melpend on Jul 16, 2022 18:35:47 GMT -5
UPDATED VERSION
Hi again, everyone! Here is the revised version. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
Twelve-year-old Lacy Pembroke always felt Mrs. Tisdale’s house was a magical place. So when she and Aunt June move in and make it a bed and breakfast, Lacy thinks it’s a dream come true. That is until Lacy meets Simon, a quirky neighborhood boy who tells her the house is haunted. Lacy’s dream becomes a nightmare.
The opening of the B&B results in stolen jewels, threatening messages, and guests with bloodshot eyes. And who rearranged the attic? On her search for clues, she uncovers information about the guests, Aunt June, and even Mrs. Tisdale. Lacy discovers a connection with the former owner she never knew she had. When she stumbles across a document she wasn’t supposed to see, Lacy suspects someone may be after the house. The more she learns, the more she questions what is really happening. Who, or what is behind these mysterious occurrences? Is there a ghost or is someone just pretending? Then a police investigation threatens to shut down the B&B. It’s more important than ever that she finds answers. But her aunt’s denial, Simon’s absurd theories, and her own paralyzing fear prevent her from uncovering the truth.
In order to expose the thieving ghost and protect Mrs. Tisdale’s legacy, Lacy must overcome her fear of the dark. Otherwise, she may lose her home for good.
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