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Post by britstanford on Jul 13, 2022 23:58:24 GMT -5
CH 1. Tree Alexander, Read This Book
My skin has always felt like an unaltered suit – made for someone else, not me. But what rests just beneath my skin is what I’ve always hated the most. Fear. It buzzes, like crawling insects taken up a nest under my skin. It’s the fear of being almost blind, of depending on other’s eyes to see a world I can’t. Oh, I can see fine. But my world is like my skin, ill-fitted. I don’t see things the way others do, and it makes me uneasy and dependent – to know what is acceptable and what isn’t. To fear slipping up, tripping.
That’s why my dreams are so seductive, I suppose. In my dreams, I discard my ill-fitting skin, and run in a world that only my eyes can see. It’s a world with no fear.
At least, it used to be.
Tree stood in the dark outside Jo’s bedroom door, gingerly touching the swollen flesh of his left eye, trying to decide if he should go in or not.
Kicking at the door, he groaned, “Just say something, Jo!”
Silence.
Twice, he huffed angrily, turned and made to leave, then stopped and looked at her closed door again. “I just want to make sure you’re ok, Jo!” He yelled, then paused. “I’m not a bad friend, ok?”
Silence.
He tapped his foot, impatiently. Nervously. Maybe she didn’t mean all those things she said… Maybe something was wrong.
“Jo!” He yelled, and he banged loud on her door. “I’m coming iiiiin!”
The door opened easily. Tree paused, praying he wouldn’t find what he feared on the opposite side, then stepped past the door.
The bed was untouched. Immaculately made, as usual. Crisp edges, like she ironed the thing. Nothing littered the typically clean floor. No discarded clothes. No heavy snores. He breathed a sigh of relief. No Bill there.
Everything was lit by a sticky, fluorescent yellow light, and his black shadow cast large and grotesque over everything.
Turning, he stumbled over a pair of discarded heels.
“Jo?”
She was in her desk chair, back to him, massive blue skirt bunched up around and behind her. Her dark head, intricate curls frizzy and smashed on one side, was tilted at an unnatural angle. A large bouquet of red roses, a grad gift from Jo’s father, had been knocked over on her desk, petals everywhere, scent too sweet.
Tree felt an eerie prickling at his neck, and he was suddenly afraid.
“Jo?”
Hesitant, he inched toward her and pushed lightly on the office chair. The chair swiveled, with loud rip of Jo’s tulle skirt, and something heavy dropped from her
lap to the floor.
Tree stared.
Jo lay, almost regally, under the sickly light of the study lamp, her torn gown glittering garishly. Her eyes were closed and red-rimmed, but he could see her chest rising and falling above the soiled and sticky bodice of the gown.
He let out a sigh of relief.
She was sleeping.
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Post by thecrestofregencia on Jul 14, 2022 12:42:54 GMT -5
I love the first paragraph! You say "skin" like four times though, maybe find a way to make it sound a bit less redundant. But the metaphors there are amazing! Why does he huff angrily twice? If you have a reason, keep it, but otherwise, I'm not sure it's necessary. I like this introduction to them, though! Side note: Ok should be spelled okay -- makes it sound more official. "iiiiiin" also should maybe be changed to "'I'm coming in' he said, dragging out the word." Or something. That one is your call, though! I love the note about Jo possibly ironing the bed! The rest of this is honestly amazing, I love the tone, the details about the roses, and the ending makes me want to go on!! Awesome opening!  |
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Post by kriddle on Jul 15, 2022 18:15:04 GMT -5
Here to return the favor - thank you again for the earlier feedback!CH 1. Tree Alexander, Read This Book ( the "read this book" part of this chapter title did confuse me a little bit, but it's something that might be clearer if I saw the other chapter titles, or saw the broader organization of the full book. As it is, I wasn't sure if it was an instruction from Tree to us to read this book. Or, a instruction to Tree to read a book. Or something else all together. Not a huge deal, especially if it's clear upon seeing the book's full structure).My skin has always felt like an unaltered suit – made for someone else, not me. But what rests just beneath my skin is what I’ve always hated the most. Fear. It buzzes, like crawling insects taken up a nest under my skin. It’s the fear of being almost blind, of depending on other’s eyes to see a world I can’t. Oh, I can see fine. But my world is like my skin, ill-fitted. I don’t see things the way others do, and it makes me uneasy and dependent – to know what is acceptable and what isn’t. To fear slipping up, tripping. Love this opening! The language here is so powerful, I can really feel this.
That’s why my dreams are so seductive, I suppose. In my dreams, I discard my ill-fitting skin, and run in a world that only my eyes can see. It’s a world with no fear.
At least, it used to be. (These are Tree's thoughts, correct? Not Jo's? I think that's the case given this starts with his pov, but given it mentions dreams, and Jo is the one asleep, I thought I would clarify)Tree stood in the dark outside Jo’s bedroom door, gingerly touching the swollen flesh of his left eye, trying to decide if he should go in or not. Kicking at the door, he groaned, “Just say something, Jo!” Silence. Twice, he huffed angrily, turned and made to leave, then stopped and looked at her closed door again. “I just want to make sure you’re ok, Jo!” He yelled, then paused. “I’m not a bad friend, ok?” Really great job making me curious and wanting to know more. Why is he angry? Why might she think he's a bad friend? Having attended some of today's morning sessions about how to hook your reader early on, this is already raising questions I want answered. Nice job!Silence. He tapped his foot, impatiently. Nervously. Maybe she didn’t mean all those things she said… Maybe something was wrong. “Jo!” He yelled, and he banged loud on her door. “I’m coming iiiiin!” The door opened easily. Tree paused, praying he wouldn’t find what he feared on the opposite side, then stepped past the door. The bed was untouched. Immaculately made, as usual. Crisp edges, like she ironed the thing. Nothing littered the typically clean floor. No discarded clothes. No heavy snores. He breathed a sigh of relief. No Bill there. I wonder if you should drop the word "there" (?). And/or, put "No Bill" before "He breathed a sigh of relief." Then you would have some nice repetition (no discarded clothes, no heavy snores, no Bill). Everything was lit by a sticky, fluorescent yellow light, and his black shadow cast large and grotesque over everything. Soooooo eery!Turning, he stumbled over a pair of discarded heels. “Jo?” She was in her desk chair, back to him, massive blue skirt bunched up around and behind her. Her dark head, intricate curls frizzy and smashed on one side, was tilted at an unnatural angle. A large bouquet of red roses, a grad gift from Jo’s father, had been knocked over on her desk, petals everywhere, scent too sweet. Fantastic imagery hereTree felt an eerie prickling at his neck, and he was suddenly afraid. “Jo?” Hesitant, he inched toward her and pushed lightly on the office chair. The chair swiveled, with loud rip of Jo’s tulle skirt, and something heavy dropped from her lap to the floor. Tree stared. Jo lay, almost regally, under the sickly light of the study lamp, her torn gown glittering garishly. Her eyes were closed and red-rimmed, but he could see her chest rising and falling above the soiled and sticky bodice of the gown. He let out a sigh of relief. She was sleeping. Wow, really fantastic work! I would definitely keep reading. You've really captured my attention here, lots of intrigue that makes me want to know more. I thought I would do line edits but there wasn't much to edit. The writing is really strong. |
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Post by hannahgreer on Jul 15, 2022 21:47:20 GMT -5
CH 1. Tree Alexander, Read This Book My skin has always felt like an unaltered suit – made for someone else, not me. But what rests just beneath my skin is what I’ve always hated the most. Fear. It buzzes, like crawling insects taken up a nest(maybe it's just me, but I had to read this a few times to understand it. You may want to express this a little more straightforwardly) under my skin. It’s the fear of being almost blind, of depending on other’s eyes to see a world I can’t. Oh, I can see fine. But my world is like my skin, ill-fitted. I don’t see things the way others do, and it makes me uneasy and dependent – to know what is acceptable and what isn’t. To fear slipping up, tripping. In what way does she see things differently? It may also be beneficial to give some physical feelings of fear, as opposed to fear buzzing beneath the skin(which I assume is not actually a physical thing but more metaphorical). As is, it's written beautifully but seems a little like telling.That’s why my dreams are so seductive, I suppose. In my dreams, I discard my ill-fitting skin, and run in a world that only my eyes can see. It’s a world with no fear.At least, it used to be.I'm a little confused. Are the italics a dream? Thoughts? Tree stood in the dark outside Jo’s bedroom door, gingerly touching the swollen flesh of his left eye, trying to decide if he should go in or not. Kicking at the door, he groaned, “Just say something, Jo!” Silence. Twice, he huffed angrily, turned and made to leave, then stopped and looked at her closed door again. “I just want to make sure you’re ok, Jo!” He yelled, then paused. “I’m not a bad friend, ok?” Huffing and turning to leave implies anger, so you don't need to say it.
This paragraph does make me wonder what happened between Tree and Jo! Did he do something? Did she? Why does he think she would think he's a bad friend? I'm curious!Silence. He tapped his foot, impatiently. Nervously. Maybe she didn’t mean all those things she said… Maybe something was wrong. “Jo!” He yelled, and he banged loud on her door. “I’m coming iiiiin!” The door opened easily. Tree paused, praying he wouldn’t find what he feared on the opposite side, then stepped past the door. The bed was untouched. Immaculately made, as usual. Crisp edges, like she ironed the thing. Nothing littered the typically clean floor. No discarded clothes. No heavy snores. He breathed a sigh of relief. No Bill there. I like how you show off her personality with this bit of detail! I do wonder, is Bill a person?Everything was lit by a sticky, fluorescent yellow light, and his black shadow cast large and grotesque over everything. Turning, he stumbled over a pair of discarded heels. “Jo?” She was in her desk chair, back to him, massive blue skirt bunched up around and behind her. Her dark head, intricate curls frizzy and smashed on one side, was tilted at an unnatural angle. A large bouquet of red roses, a grad gift from Jo’s father, had been knocked over on her desk, petals everywhere, scent too sweet. Tree felt an eerie prickling at his neck, and he was suddenly afraid. “Jo?” Hesitant, he inched toward her and pushed lightly on the office chair. The chair swiveled, with loud rip of Jo’s tulle skirt, and something heavy dropped from her lap to the floor. Very ominous feeling!Tree stared. Jo lay, almost regally, under the sickly light of the study lamp, her torn gown glittering garishly. Her eyes were closed and red-rimmed, but he could see her chest rising and falling above the soiled and sticky bodice of the gown. He let out a sigh of relief. She was sleeping. She must be a super deep sleeper to sleep through all the yelling and turning of the chair. Though, since this is a sleeping beauty retelling(I think?) that makes sense.This opening has a bit of tension and sets up the Jo being a deep sleeper part well. I do wonder what will happen next, and why Tree is in her house. Who is Tree, anyway? I'm so curious! I did get a little confused because the first part in italics seems like Jo's perspective, but the rest seems to be in Tree's POV. It was a little jarring. I also wonder if you could be missing an opportunity by starting the story here, because it doesn't really seem to set up stakes or give us much character for Jo. I was under the impression from the italic bits that she was the MC, but is Tree the MC? Just some things to consider! Anyway, I liked your writing. You had some very beautifully written sentences! |
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Post by christinaf on Jul 16, 2022 10:27:53 GMT -5
CH 1. Tree Alexander, Read This Book My skin has always felt like an unaltered suit – made for someone else, not me. But what rests just beneath my skin is what I’ve always hated the most. Fear. It buzzes, like crawling insects taken up a nest under my skin. It’s the fear of being almost blind, of depending on other’s eyes to see a world I can’t. Oh, I can see fine. But my world is like my skin, ill-fitted. I don’t see things the way others do, and it makes me uneasy and dependent – to know what is acceptable and what isn’t. To fear slipping up, tripping.
That’s why my dreams are so seductive, I suppose. In my dreams, I discard my ill-fitting (maybe you could use another description here since you just used ill-fitted in the previous paragraph? Could be something like "In my dreams, I discard my skin that feels too tight and a world that is too cramped with it, and run to a place only my eyes can see. A world of my own. One with no fear. ...Just a suggestion! Take what you like and ignore the rest (or all of it lol) skin, and run in a world that only my eyes can see. It’s a world with no fear.
At least, it used to be.Tree stood in the dark outside Jo’s bedroom door, gingerly touching the swollen flesh of his left eye, trying to decide if he should go in or not. Kicking at the door, he groaned, “Just say something, Jo!” Silence. Twice, he huffed angrily, turned and made to leave, then stopped and looked at her closed door again. “I just want to make sure you’re ok ay, Jo!” He yelled, then paused. “I’m not a bad friend, ok ay?” Silence. He tapped his foot, impatiently. Nervously. Maybe she didn’t mean all those things she said… Maybe something was wrong. “Jo!” He yelled, and he banged loud on her door. “I’m coming iiiiin!” The door opened easily. Tree paused, praying he wouldn’t find what he feared on the opposite side, then stepped past the door. (You use 'door' three times in these last few lines. Maybe rephrasing could help cut down on the echoes here?)The bed was untouched. Immaculately made, as usual. Crisp edges, like she ironed the thing. (<--I really like this line and detail) Nothing littered the typically clean floor. No discarded clothes. No heavy snores. He breathed a sigh of relief. No Bill there. (Maybe take out 'there' or exchange it with 'either'? I'm also left wondering who Bill is and the relation he has to both Tree and Jo. Maybe that doesn't need an explanation here yet or maybe you could add a tiiiiny detail more about it? I'm not sure which would be better since I don't know the story.)Everything was lit by a sticky, fluorescent yellow light, and his black shadow cast large and grotesque over everything. Turning, he stumbled over a pair of discarded heels. “Jo?” She was in her desk chair, back to him, massive blue skirt bunched up around and behind her. Her dark head, intricate curls frizzy and smashed on one side, was tilted at an unnatural angle. A large bouquet of red roses, a grad gift from Jo’s father, had been knocked over on her desk, petals everywhere, scent too sweet. (I like this detail a lot too!)Tree felt an eerie prickling at his neck, and he was suddenly afraid. (Might be more evocative if you described this more than saying it? Could be something like, Tree felt an eerie prickling at his neck, fear scratching at his skin.)“Jo?” Hesitant, he inched toward her and pushed lightly on the office chair. The chair seat swiveled, with a (?) loud rip of Jo’s tulle skirt, and something heavy dropped from her lap to the floor. Tree stared. Jo lay, almost regally, under the sickly light of the study lamp, her torn gown glittering garishly. Her eyes were closed and red-rimmed, but he could see her chest rising and falling above the soiled and sticky bodice of the gown. He let out a sigh of relief. She was sleeping. Nice opening and ending here. Makes me wonder why he's feeling relief while her dress also seems to be ruined. That would definitely make me keep reading lol. Good luck with this! |
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