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Post by hannahgreer on Jul 13, 2022 21:37:27 GMT -5
I am invisible to my family. They left me behind again. I crouch low as I urge my horse faster. They must have left it to my handmaid to wake me, forgetting my mother let her go last week after discovering my father’s infidelity. It’s not the first time for that, either. Servants rarely last longer than a month or two in my family’s service.
My horse races through the woods, each stride kicks up dirt in our wake. I’m not sad to miss a carriage ride with my parents and younger brother. And on the bright side, I was able to see Cosmin briefly in the stables. Really, I wouldn’t mind mistakes like this more frequently. But today lateness is unacceptable, it's my day to light the church's flame. If I’m late, I’ll have to stay after and clean to make up for it. Sunday afternoons are for Cosmin and our pond, I cannot lose that over something so trivial.
I break free of the trees. Ahead, the church building stands tall, isolated on the outskirts of town. It resides on sacred ground. I draw closer and make out tapestries depicting snowstorms and frost hanging in the windows. They honor the Royal family, though it’s been generations since they’ve come this far south. A few tapestries illustrate flames licking at wood and leaves. Those are in honor of the favored Duke family of this region. My family.
People chat outside the building in small groups. My chest loosens. I’m not too late. I don’t want to draw attention, so I slow my horse and pat dust off my red dress and long golden hair. The bell tower atop the church remains silent, but I flinch at every shift from the wind. I must light the tree inside before it sings.
Before the doors, I sling myself off the mare and toss the reins to a stableboy with a quick thanks. I usually wouldn’t be so rude.
I stride past a Lady, who turns to chat with me. Past Lord Barbaneagra, whose son is likely to be the next suitor I’ll have to deter. I slip inside the church. My mother speaks in hushed tones with our priest.
She turns to me. “Darling! Good of you to finally join us.”
“Yes, well, I had to ride over myself," I say.
“Oh, you didn’t come with your father?” she asks. That explains it, they traveled separately. My mother loves the social life of being a favored noble, while my father would rather continue his private experiments for as long as possible. It was those very experiments in the civil war a decade ago that gained our family favored status, and so my mother doesn’t complain.
“I must have missed him,” I say. A ride alone with my father is best avoided. I thank the spirits I missed him.
“Well, you’re here now,” the priest interjects. “Go ahead and light the tree.”
I step down the carpeted path between pews. The tall Athedil Tree looms over the pulpit. A small pond surrounds its base and thick roots thread in and out of the water. Fish nibble at the algae along the roots, but they really desire blood. They will get their fill soon.
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Post by thecrestofregencia on Jul 14, 2022 12:34:43 GMT -5
First: I LOVE THE ENDING! It leaves me wanting so much more!! I like the family dynamic as well, I can see a ton of interesting places you could take it! Notes: During the "They left me behind again" you might want to stress again with italics, or say "They left me behind. Again." The anecdote about the handmaiden is super interesting, again with the intrigue about the family dynamic. If you wanted, I could see another sentence about either running into Cosmin or their sunday afternoon ritual adding to the scene, but that's your choice. I love your writing style, it's very vivid! There's something off about the sentence "flames licking at wood and leaves"... maybe add "dead wood" or a bit more context; that sentence just feels a bit simple compared to what's around it. The "red dress and long golden hair" feels out of nowhere; either take a bit more time for it or nix it till later. "I must light the tree before it sings" is a wonderful line! Maybe add how her unusual rudeness makes her feel, in the stables. I love the world building in the "thank the spirits" line. "A small pond surrounds it's base (Comma) and thick roots..." Last note, "They really desire blood" is a cool concept but I don't think you need the "really." All in all, super fun opening, I'd read more!!  |
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Post by RebeccaJ_Allen on Jul 15, 2022 8:23:29 GMT -5
Hey, Hannah!
I'd be interested in reading a query, bc you have an interesting first sentence and last paragraph, b/c so I'd like to know where it's going.
There is a lot to like here, family strife, infidelity, their privileged position, who is Cosmin? But I'm not sure it's strung together in the most effective way. It feels like you've got more backstory than you need and less action. I'd suggest suggest doing a version more focused on the MC's goals and action, and dropping in info on her family and the royal family in more slowly. Just a thought.
A few related comment in the text.
Use whatever resonates with you and toss the rest.
I am invisible to my family. They left me behind again. I crouch low as I urge my horse faster. [They must have left it to my handmaid to wake me, forgetting my mother let her go last week after discovering my father’s infidelity. It’s not the first time for that, either. Servants rarely last longer than a month or two in my family’s service. this bit is interesting but doesn't really feel like first-paragraph material.]My horse races through the woods, each stride kicks up dirt in our wake. I’m not sad to miss a carriage ride with my parents and younger brother. And on the bright side, I was able to see Cosmin briefly in the stables. Really, I wouldn’t mind mistakes like this more frequently. But today lateness is unacceptable, it's my day to light the church's flame. If I’m late, I’ll have to stay after and clean to make up for it. Sunday afternoons are for Cosmin and our pond, I cannot lose that over something so trivial. I like that her goal is clear here.I break free of the trees. Ahead, the church building stands tall, isolated on the outskirts of town. It resides on sacred ground. I draw closer and make out tapestries depicting snowstorms and frost hanging in the windows. They honor the Royal family, though it’s been generations since they’ve come this far south. A few tapestries illustrate flames licking at wood and leaves. Those are in honor of the favored Duke family of this region. My family. People chat outside the building in small groups. My chest loosens. I’m not too late. I don’t want to draw attention, so I slow my horse and pat dust off my red dress and long golden hair. The bell tower atop the church remains silent, but I flinch at every shift from the wind. I must light the tree inside before it sings. nice way of getting in some description of your MC.Before the doors, I sling myself off the mare and toss the reins to a stableboy with a quick thanks. [ I usually wouldn’t be so rude. this feels forced. she doesn't mind being rude to the nobles in the next paragraph. also, she said thanks.]I stride past a Lady, who turns to chat with me. Past Lord Barbaneagra, whose son is likely to be the next suitor I’ll have to deter. I slip inside the church. My mother speaks in hushed tones with our priest. She turns to me. “Darling! Good of you to finally join us.” “Yes, well, I had to ride over myself," I say. “Oh, you didn’t come with your father?” she asks. That explains it, they traveled separately. My mother loves the social life of being a favored noble, while my father would rather continue his private experiments for as long as possible. It was those very experiments in the civil war a decade ago that gained our family favored status, and so my mother doesn’t complain. [you could hit this with dialogue, perhaps, rather than all internals. it might feel less telly.]“I must have missed him,” I say. A ride alone with my father is best avoided. I thank the spirits I missed him. you could make this less repetitive.“Well, you’re here now,” the priest interjects. “Go ahead and light the tree.” I step down the carpeted path between pews. The tall Athedil Tree looms over the pulpit. A small pond surrounds its base and thick roots thread in and out of the water. Fish nibble at the algae along the roots, but they really desire blood. They will get their fill soon. cool! |
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Post by hannahgreer on Jul 15, 2022 12:25:55 GMT -5
Hey, Hannah!
I'd be interested in reading a query, bc you have an interesting first sentence and last paragraph, b/c so I'd like to know where it's going.
There is a lot to like here, family strife, infidelity, their privileged position, who is Cosmin? But I'm not sure it's strung together in the most effective way. It feels like you've got more backstory than you need and less action. I'd suggest suggest doing a version more focused on the MC's goals and action, and dropping in info on her family and the royal family in more slowly. Just a thought.
A few related comment in the text.
Use whatever resonates with you and toss the rest.
I am invisible to my family. They left me behind again. I crouch low as I urge my horse faster. [They must have left it to my handmaid to wake me, forgetting my mother let her go last week after discovering my father’s infidelity. It’s not the first time for that, either. Servants rarely last longer than a month or two in my family’s service. this bit is interesting but doesn't really feel like first-paragraph material.]My horse races through the woods, each stride kicks up dirt in our wake. I’m not sad to miss a carriage ride with my parents and younger brother. And on the bright side, I was able to see Cosmin briefly in the stables. Really, I wouldn’t mind mistakes like this more frequently. But today lateness is unacceptable, it's my day to light the church's flame. If I’m late, I’ll have to stay after and clean to make up for it. Sunday afternoons are for Cosmin and our pond, I cannot lose that over something so trivial. I like that her goal is clear here.I break free of the trees. Ahead, the church building stands tall, isolated on the outskirts of town. It resides on sacred ground. I draw closer and make out tapestries depicting snowstorms and frost hanging in the windows. They honor the Royal family, though it’s been generations since they’ve come this far south. A few tapestries illustrate flames licking at wood and leaves. Those are in honor of the favored Duke family of this region. My family. People chat outside the building in small groups. My chest loosens. I’m not too late. I don’t want to draw attention, so I slow my horse and pat dust off my red dress and long golden hair. The bell tower atop the church remains silent, but I flinch at every shift from the wind. I must light the tree inside before it sings. nice way of getting in some description of your MC.Before the doors, I sling myself off the mare and toss the reins to a stableboy with a quick thanks. [ I usually wouldn’t be so rude. this feels forced. she doesn't mind being rude to the nobles in the next paragraph. also, she said thanks.]I stride past a Lady, who turns to chat with me. Past Lord Barbaneagra, whose son is likely to be the next suitor I’ll have to deter. I slip inside the church. My mother speaks in hushed tones with our priest. She turns to me. “Darling! Good of you to finally join us.” “Yes, well, I had to ride over myself," I say. “Oh, you didn’t come with your father?” she asks. That explains it, they traveled separately. My mother loves the social life of being a favored noble, while my father would rather continue his private experiments for as long as possible. It was those very experiments in the civil war a decade ago that gained our family favored status, and so my mother doesn’t complain. [you could hit this with dialogue, perhaps, rather than all internals. it might feel less telly.]“I must have missed him,” I say. A ride alone with my father is best avoided. I thank the spirits I missed him. you could make this less repetitive.“Well, you’re here now,” the priest interjects. “Go ahead and light the tree.” I step down the carpeted path between pews. The tall Athedil Tree looms over the pulpit. A small pond surrounds its base and thick roots thread in and out of the water. Fish nibble at the algae along the roots, but they really desire blood. They will get their fill soon. cool!Thanks so much for your feedback! I'll definitely be working on it in my revisions. I actually just posted my query! It's my first attempt, so I don't know how it turned out, but it's a start. |
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Post by britstanford on Jul 15, 2022 13:28:34 GMT -5
Bits I LOVE: I flinch at every shift from the wind. I must light the tree inside before it sings. it's my day to light the church's flame. If I’m late, I’ll have to stay after and clean to make up for it. Sunday afternoons are for Cosmin and our pond, I cannot lose that over something so trivial. Fish nibble at the algae along the roots, but they really desire blood. They will get their fill soon. AGH! I need to know! Is this sacrifice? Such a cool visual. I'm very intrigued. There's a lot of interesting stuff here, character I'm starting to root for, and I actually really want to know what's up with the tree! I do feel like some infodumping muddles up a really cool beginning. For me, this bit here is the most problematic. Everything else really draws me in. I think here, it feels like too much, too soon. It's interesting, the infidelity and high servant turnover, and family strife, and her father's inventions -- BUT, it's too much to dump on the reader in the first page or two. I'd pick one or two cool things to focus on, and take time to lay them out instead of muddying up a very good beginning with TOO much good stuff (: They must have left it to my handmaid to wake me, forgetting my mother let her go last week after discovering my father’s infidelity. It’s not the first time for that, either. Servants rarely last longer than a month or two in my family’s service. My horse races through the woods, each stride kicks up dirt in our wake. I’m not sad to miss a carriage ride with my parents and younger brother. And on the bright side, I was able to see Cosmin briefly in the stables. Really, I wouldn’t mind mistakes like this more frequently. But today lateness is unacceptable, it's my day to light the church's flame. If I’m late, I’ll have to stay after and clean to make up for it. Sunday afternoons are for Cosmin and our pond, I cannot lose that over something so trivial. |
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Post by Lora Palmer on Jul 16, 2022 8:56:48 GMT -5
Wow, I love this! You did a beautiful job with the family dynamics and setting the scene for us. And that ending line... I would be super excited to see where this is going . |
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Post by christinaf on Jul 16, 2022 9:52:21 GMT -5
Nice opening! I might suggest just switching the two opening lines? Like, "My family left me behind again. I'm invisible to them." I just feel like "My family left me behind again" is more compelling/intriguing than "I'm invisible to my family" (esp since it's not literal and in fantasy it *could* be lol) but maybe that's just me liking that line more. Up to you! Good luck with this!
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