The Expulsion Experiment - MG Contemporary

[taratlk]

Thirteen-year-old Mari Ahonui Quinn has noticed something. The rules at her school are not applied fairly, and she doesn’t only think this because she got in trouble for talking back to the teacher in class. Although she did get in trouble for talking back to the teacher in class.

First Mari thought the problem stemmed from her being compared to her very perfect older sister Diana. When Mari’s cousin Leilani comes to stay with them, Mari again notices the difference. The teachers are much nicer to Leilani. Leilani even gets given a school fitness tracker, something normally only given to the high school students.

Mari suspects the school has marked certain students as troublemakers and is pushing them out. She’s pretty sure the middle school head Ms. Neal hates her now, so good thing she’ll be moving to the high school next year.

Mari’s need for definitive proof gets more urgent when she discovers Ms. Neal will be taking over the high school the following year. Even more so, when she discovers the school fitness trackers are being used to spy on the students.

Mari needs to reveal what the school has been up to, and it seems there’s no way for her to do that without getting into a little more trouble. Good thing she’s a born troublemaker.

The Expulsion Experiment is an upper middle grade mystery with told with snippets from the Hawaiian folklore web serial that Mari and Leilani love. It is complete at approximately 68000 words.

I grew up in DC, and am a diasporan Hawaiian who does not work in politics, and so I love writing stories about the non-political folks that live here. I also drink a lot of tea.

[melpend]

I love the title of your book! I also love the inclusion of Hawaiian folklore. I think the middle paragraphs can be condensed a bit and maybe add a little more tension and clarify the stakes. See specific suggestions below.


Thirteen-year-old Mari Ahonui Quinn has noticed something. The rules at her school are not applied fairly, and she doesn’t only just think this because she got in trouble for talking back to the teacher in class. Although she did get in trouble for talking back to the teacher in class. I don't think you need this last sentence because it's already implied she got in trouble for talking back.


First Mari thought the problem stemmed from her being compared to her very perfect older sister Diana. Who exactly is comparing Mari to Diana? How? Also, think about how you can word it so it's not in passive tense (her being compared to). When Mari’s cousin Leilani comes to stay with them, Mari again notices the difference. the teachers are much nicer to Leilani. Leilani even gets given a school fitness tracker, something normally only given to the high school students. 

 
When students start disappearing, (something like that) Mari suspects the school has marked certain students as troublemakers and is pushing them out. *See comment below* To make things worse, she’s pretty sure the middle school head Ms. Neal hates her now, which means she could be next on the list. It's a so good thing she’ll be moving to the high school next year. Or at least that's what Mari thinks until she discovers Ms. Neal will be taking over the high school the following year. There's no getting away from her now. 


Mari’s need for definitive proof gets more urgent when she discovers Ms. Neal will be taking over the high school the following year. Even more so, when she discovers the school fitness trackers are being used to spy on the students. This is really intriguing! *Consider moving this line up as the second sentence of paragraph three. 


In order to save herself and her classmates, (again, something like that)Mari needs to reveal what the school has been is really up to., and It seems there’s no way for her to do that without getting into a little more trouble. Good thing she’s a born troublemaker.

[RebeccaJ_Allen]

Hey, Tara,

Cool concept! I agree that you could tighten this, especially that 3rd sentence in the first paragraph. I also really like the line about Mari being a born trouble maker. I wonder if moving that up would help pull agents in more quickly?

I've put some comments in below. Use what works for you and toss the rest.

Jul 13, 2022 11:45:57 GMT -5 taratlk said:

Thirteen-year-old Mari Ahonui Quinn has noticed something. The rules at her school are not applied fairly, and she doesn’t only think this because she got in trouble for talking back to the teacher in class.[kids think so much is unfair, I want to know that this would pass my muster. for that, I think you need more specifics about the incident, or to bring in the fact that other kids have gotten away with basically the same thing] Although she did get in trouble for talking back to the teacher in class.

First Mari thought the problem stemmed from her being compared to her very perfect older sister Diana. When Mari’s cousin Leilani comes to stay with them, Mari again notices the difference. Tthe teachers are much nicer to Leilani. Leilani even gets given a school fitness tracker, something normally only given to the high school students.

Mari suspects the school has marked certain students as troublemakers and is pushing them out. She’s pretty sure[what makes her think this. again, specifics] the middle school head Ms. Neal hates her now, so good thing she’ll be moving to the high school next year.

Mari’s need for definitive proof gets more urgent when she discovers Ms. Neal will be taking over the high school the following year. Even more so, when she discovers the school fitness trackers are being used to spy on the students. [isn't discovering the fitness trackers are spying on students the proof she needs? what exactly does she find out vs. what she thinks will be the proof?]

Mari needs to reveal what the school has been up to, and it seems there’s no way for her to do that without getting into a little more trouble. Good thing she’s a born troublemaker. [this paragraph is great, but stakes are best at the end. could you move the bit about Ms. Neal moving to the high school down here to close with the stakes?]

The Expulsion Experiment is an upper middle grade mystery with told with snippets from the Hawaiian folklore web serial that Mari and Leilani love. It is complete at approximately 68000 words. might be long for MG contemporary. literaticat.blogspot.com/2011/05/wordcount-dracula.html

I grew up in DC, and am a diasporan Hawaiian who does not work in politics, and so I love writing stories about the non-political folks that live here. I also drink a lot of tea.

[taratlk]

Thanks folks. This is all really helpful. My brain is a little mush at the moment, but going to incorporate this feedback.