AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!: Invasion of the Stinky Alien Meteorite Sli

[scottrho]

Dear agent,


When the neighbor's yapping dog keeps him awake one night in 1973, intrepid junior high school newspaper reporter Marvin sees a bright light blaze across the early-morning sky and crash at his school a couple of blocks away. At school the next day, a mysterious dust covers the messed-up outdoor basketball courts. No matter how hard he tries, none of the faculty will grant Marvin an interview about what happened the night before.


Marvin's first-period class is interrupted by a scream when a strange millipede-like bug appears on the desk of Lori, Marvin's not-so-secret crush. He smashes the bug, and its smelly, gooey guts turn into hundreds of new bugs. Before long, the school is overrun by alien slime bugs. The principal threatens to cancel the big basketball game against the crosstown rivals. After Marvin discovers that the bugs can be killed by the coffee from the teacher's lounge, the game goes on as scheduled.


It's not a normal game, though. Some of the slime bugs invaded the locker room, and they've turned the team, including Marvin's best friend Reynolds, into flesh-craving zombies. The team traps some students in the girls' restroom and is trying to get at them. One of the trapped kids is the dreamy Lori. Marvin must hatch a plan to use the brainy chess club to end the schoolpocalypse and vanquish the team, even though it means sacrificing his best friend.


Originally published as a short story in Spaceports and Spidersilk, AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!: Invasion of the Stinky Alien Meteorite Slime Bugs is a 32,000-word humorous light horror story in the vein of Bruce Coville and Goosebumps.


In addition to that story, I've published short stories and poetry literary magaizines, and an article in The Writer. I am a Principal Technical Writer for Adobe, with a Master of Professional Writing degree from Chatham University. I belong to SCBWI and The Academy of American Poets. I'm also a staff member for the Writing and Illustrating for Young Readers conference. A different story was a 2017 PitchWars selection.


Thank you,

Scott Rhoades

[ikmar]

Hi Scott

I'm wondering why the first 8 words are needed. And why specify "one night" when it's really the "early morning"?
As it is the query feels more like a synopsis than a query. Most of the first two paragraphs are intro. And I'm not sure your humor is coming through beyond the situational aspects.

Also, why is Marvin is high school for an MG?

Regardless, you need to pump more energy into it. It's too much a collection of events.

And why "at" his school? Why not "near"?

[taratlk]

So I actually like this query, like I know the problem and the stakes. The question I have is why is it set in 1973? I think it would be helpful if the query established that, since it's a historical time frame for the target audience.

[melpend]

Hi Scott,

I can definitely see this appealing to lower middle grade! Anything compared to Goosebumps will go over well with that age group.

I do agree with some of the previous comments. I think you can delete some words from your first sentence.
When the neighbor's yapping dog keeps him awake One night in 1973, intrepid junior high school newspaper reporter Marvin sees a bright light blaze across the early-morning sky and crash at his school a couple of blocks away.

I also agree that your second and third paragraphs read a little like a synopsis. Try to emphasize the humor, danger, and suspense. I think just a few changes/additions can help. See suggestions in red. 

Marvin's first-period class is interrupted by a scream when a strange millipede-like bug appears on the desk of Lori, Marvin's not-so-secret crush. He smashes the bug and saves the girl. He's a hero! That is until He smashes the bug, and its smelly, gooey guts turn into hundreds of new bugs. Before long, the school is overrun by alien slime bugs. The principal threatens to cancel the big basketball game against the crosstown rivals. After Marvin discovers that the bugs can be killed by the coffee from the teacher's lounge, the game goes on as scheduled. I'd like to know why it's important the game continue. What's the personal connection or stakes for Marvin?

It's not a normal game, though. Some of the slime bugs invaded the locker room, and they've turned turning the team, including Marvin's best friend Reynolds, into flesh-craving zombies. Nobody is safe! The team traps some students in the girls' restroom and is trying to get at them. One of the trapped kids is the dreamy Lori. When the zombie team traps students in the girls' restroom, including the dreamy Lori, Marvin must hatch a plan to use using the brainy chess club to end the schoolpocalypse and vanquish the team, even though if it means sacrificing his best friend.

Hopefully, this will give you some ideas. Feel free to use or disregard whatever works/doesn't work. Best of luck!

[scottrho]

Jul 12, 2022 21:39:52 GMT -5 ikmar said:

Hi Scott

I'm wondering why the first 8 words are needed. And why specify "one night" when it's really the "early morning"?
As it is the query feels more like a synopsis than a query. Most of the first two paragraphs are intro. And I'm not sure your humor is coming through beyond the situational aspects.

Also, why is Marvin is high school for an MG?

Regardless, you need to pump more energy into it. It's too much a collection of events.

And why "at" his school? Why not "near"?

Thanks for the comments.  Those are good questions and suggestions.

One thing--he's in junior high, not high school.

[ikmar]

Oops. Way back "junior high" in my city was grades 9 and 10. And grade 7/8 schools are all gone - changed to middle schools (6-8). I should have processed the line better though