THESE MONSTROUS HEARTS (Contemp Sci-fi)

[ashlynwriting]

I’d say my soul is as dark as my eyes but according to the scientists and mages that made me, I don't have one.

Without the two guards escorting me through the snaking halls, magic would lead me in circles, inevitably returning me to the quarters I share with my siblings. Humans have freedom. Wraiths don’t. My siblings and I are at their mercy to navigate the building. These men have no magic of their own but are immune to the labyrinthine enchantments. Sleek black helmets blot out any hints of the humans beneath, leaving brutish automatons instead of people.

One of the first lessons I learned after my rebirth a year ago: don’t mess with humans. They’ll call for reinforcements, and mages are more effective and brutal than regular guards.

None are as bad as my handler. Boyle waits by the oversized elevator, a large gun slung over her shoulder--oh, humans and their comfort objects. Her bitter blue eyes drill into me. I’d like nothing more than to rip them out. “Morning Ma’am.”

Boyle’s lips twitch at the title, but I’m respectful so she can’t call me out. I stand uncomfortably rim-rod so I don't fidget. She hates that. “Shade.” Boyle's voice is sharp enough to cut ice. Her navy suit is pressed and perfect and her blonde hair is in a tight bun, as always. Everything about her screams dick. Which she is. “You were fifteen seconds late.”

Be polite.

My brother, Teeth, would goad me into doing something stupid, like allowing fingertips to sharpen and turning them against my handler.

I keep my mouth shut.

Seeing Boyle scares me, not because of the power she holds over me, but because of the anger that simmers when I lay eyes on her. My teeth and claws ache to lengthen.

I want to kill this woman. That’s what scares me the most.

Except I owe her, all of them, everything.

The elevator dings as the massive metal doors slide open, and I follow Boyle inside, thoughts of murder tucked away. We begin the ascent.

Boyle motions for me to come closer, watching for threatening movements. Today, I am a good little pet and obey. It’s like they say, don’t bite the hand that feeds you unless you’re certain it will sever. “Our mages detected an incoming breach thirty miles away.”

There’s a reason the Facility is where it is: a rural area, closest to the epicenter of where most of the breaches occur. Breaches are the reason my siblings and I exist. While mages can seal the holes in reality, fighting the trespassing beasts that crossed into our world cost too many human lives.

So they created Wraiths to fight for them: dead teenagers resurrected by science and magic, and combined with the oozing essence of dead Trespassers. The substance strengthened our bodies and gave us greater endurance than a human could achieve, but it also twisted us into monsters.

We are acceptable losses.

[beautifulbrainbooks]

Hello again Ashlyn,

I really like this! My favorite part is the saying; I really like the change.

Just a few suggestions: I don't like the first line. I don't think it flows with the rest of the scene happening, and it doesn't make sense to me that she'd be thinking of it at that time or that it would come up in her mind. It reads like maybe there's a lot of trying for a first line with a hook.

In addition, you do a great job describing both the humans and the wraiths with as much information as we need at this point. But I would love to be able to see the labrythine. I know you have good descriptions, so I would love to see a bit more of that!

If you have any questions feel free to message me on discord.

Thanks,
Kerenza (she/her)

[britstanford]

I love so many things about this. Great first line, though I had to read it twice to figure out if she (is it a she?) didn't have eyes or a soul, but very cool and caught my attention.

Love the quick and cool worldbuilding. Sleek black helmets, this contrast between humans and wraiths, and the power imbalance, despite wraiths seemingly much more powerful. LOVE the labyrinth magic redirecting them back to quarters, and these great details that aren't heavy but info-rich (she has wraith "siblings", the relationship with humans. There's anger, so questions there, but also gratitude. Laughed at the "comfort item" gun part, and the modified "bite the hand" bit. Good details.

I love everything but the second to last paragraph, which loses the flow and rhythm for me and feels like an infodump. Seems like too much info too soon. I think without that paragraph, you give enough info and mystery for me to be intrigued and want to keep reading.

Love it!

[hannahgreer]

Jul 11, 2022 14:55:56 GMT -5 ashlynwriting said:

I’d say my soul is as dark as my eyes but according to the scientists and mages that made me, I don't have one.
Oh what an interesting bit of background! But I think the story may start in the next paragraph as opposed to here. This feels a bit more like a line that may fit elsewhere(or in a blurb?), as opposed to the opening of your story. I think that's because it's a kind of disconnected from the next paragraph, which seems to be where the story starts.

Without the two guards escorting me through the snaking halls, magic would lead me in circles, inevitably returning me to the quarters I share with my siblings. Humans have freedom. Wraiths don’t. My siblings and I are at their mercy to navigate the building. These men have no magic of their own but are immune to the labyrinthine enchantments. Sleek black helmets blot out any hints of the humans beneath, leaving brutish automatons instead of people. I really like this paragraph! We get so much information and it is written so well.  I'm so curious about the world and magic and wraiths and humans. Why don't wraiths have freedom if they're the ones with magic? So interesting, I have to read on!

One of the first lessons I learned after my rebirth a year ago: don’t mess with humans. They’ll call for reinforcements, and mages are more effective and brutal than regular guards.

None are as bad as my handler. Boyle waits by the oversized elevator, a large gun slung over her shoulder--oh, humans and their comfort objects. Her bitter blue eyes drill into me. I’d like nothing more than to rip them out. “Morning Ma’am.” Is her handler a mage? Because it sounds like it, but then I'm wondering why a mage needs a gun.

Boyle’s lips twitch at the title, but I’m respectful so she can’t call me out. I stand uncomfortably rim-rod so I don't fidget. She hates that. “Shade.” Boyle's voice is sharp enough to cut ice. Her navy suit is pressed and perfect and her blonde hair is in a tight bun, as always. Everything about her screams dick. Which she is. “You were fifteen seconds late.”

Be polite.

My brother, Teeth, would goad me into doing something stupid, like allowing fingertips to sharpen and turning them against my handler. has she ever killed a handler before? Has her brother?

I keep my mouth shut.

Seeing Boyle scares me, not because of the power she holds over me, but because of the anger that simmers when I lay eyes on her. My teeth and claws ache to lengthen.

I want to kill this woman. That’s what scares me the most.

Except I owe her, all of them, everything. Oh, this is an interesting bit of new info. She's mostly seemed resentful so far. I wonder what/how she owes them?

The elevator dings as the massive metal doors slide open, and I follow Boyle inside, thoughts of murder tucked away. We begin the ascent.

Boyle motions for me to come closer, watching for threatening movements. Today, I am a good little pet and obey. It’s like they say, don’t bite the hand that feeds you unless you’re certain it will sever. “Our mages detected an incoming breach thirty miles away.”

There’s a reason the Facility is where it is: a rural area, closest to the epicenter of where most of the breaches occur. Breaches are the reason my siblings and I exist. While mages can seal the holes in reality, fighting the trespassing beasts that crossed into our world cost too many human lives. So wraiths fight them? But did wraiths come through the breaches? Could wraiths escape back into the breaches then?

So they created Wraiths to fight for them: dead teenagers resurrected by science and magic, and combined with the oozing essence of dead Trespassers. The substance strengthened our bodies and gave us greater endurance than a human could achieve, but it also twisted us into monsters. Oh that's crazy! So not from the breaches. Why teenagers specifically though? That seems pretty heartless. I'm curious how humans think they work, because they don't think they're the original human teenagers anymore, but they know something inhabits the body. Is it like a possession of the copse? Where do the possessors come from?

We are acceptable losses. Aww that's brutal.

I enjoyed reading your opening, I have so many questions I would continue reading! The world you're setting up seems so interesting and we're already getting glimpses of the main character's personality. She seems very human, despite not having a soul. And her desire to kill scares her, which makes her seem even more human. I wonder if all wraiths are like this? I can definitely imagine humans doing something like this, but I also wonder if there are any humans who object to the treatment of these teenager wraith things. The second and third to last paragraphs have a lot of information, it may be beneficial to weave some of the info in through dialogue or add her thoughts and feelings on the matter so we can get more of a feeling for the MC. Overall, great job! You really made me wonder and theorize about your world!

[christinaf]

Jul 11, 2022 14:55:56 GMT -5 ashlynwriting said:

I’d say my soul is as dark as my eyes but according to the scientists and mages that made me, I don't have one. Great opening. Immediately has me wanting to read more.

 
Maybe you can connect the previous lines with the next though too? Maybe the guards turn their heads to look at her and make some cue of either disgust or fear (depending on what they feel) b/c she doesn't have a soul, so you could use the guards to connect that opening to the next bit about the magic and building/halls, etc?

Without the two guards escorting me through the snaking halls, magic would lead me in circles, inevitably returning me to the quarters I share with my siblings. Humans have freedom. Wraiths don’t. My siblings and I are at their mercy to navigate the building. These men have no magic of their own but are immune to the labyrinthine enchantments. Sleek black helmets blot out any hints of the humans beneath, leaving brutish automatons instead of people. 

One of the first lessons I learned after my rebirth a year ago: don’t mess with humans. They’ll call for reinforcements, and mages are more effective and brutal than regular guards.

None are as bad as my handler. Boyle waits by the oversized elevator, a large gun slung over her shoulder--oh, humans and their comfort objects. Her bitter blue eyes drill into me. I’d like nothing more than to rip them out. <--lol I like the voice here “Morning Ma’am.”

Boyle’s lips twitch at the title, but I’m respectful so she can’t call me out. I stand uncomfortably rim-rod so I don't fidget. She hates that. “Shade.” Boyle's voice is sharp enough to cut ice. Her navy suit is pressed and perfect and her blonde hair is in a tight bun, as always. Everything about her screams dick. Which she is. lol “You were fifteen seconds late.”

Be polite.

My brother, Teeth, would goad me into doing something stupid, like allowing fingertips to sharpen and turning them against my handler.

I keep my mouth shut.

Seeing Boyle scares me, not because of the power she holds over me, but because of the anger that simmers when I lay eyes on her. My teeth and claws ache to lengthen.

I want to kill this woman. That’s what scares me the most.

Except I owe her, all of them, everything.

The elevator dings as the massive metal doors slide open, and I follow Boyle inside, thoughts of murder tucked away. (I like this line a lot.) We begin the ascent.

Boyle motions for me to come closer, watching for threatening movements. Today, I am a good little pet and obey. It’s like they say, don’t bite the hand that feeds you unless you’re certain it will sever. “Our mages detected an incoming breach thirty miles away.”

There’s a reason the Facility is where it is: a rural area, closest to the epicenter of where most of the breaches occur. Breaches are the reason my siblings and I exist. While mages can seal the holes in reality, fighting the trespassing beasts that crossed into our world cost too many human lives.

So they created Wraiths to fight for them: dead teenagers (is there a reason it's only teenagers resurrected into Wraiths? I'm not saying that has to be answered here, but it's a question that pops up for me that, as a reader, I'd hope would be expanded on at least later) resurrected by science and magic, and combined with the oozing essence of dead Trespassers. The substance strengthened our bodies and gave us greater endurance than a human could achieve, but it also twisted us into monsters.

We are acceptable losses.

This is a great opening! I love the voice here so much and love that you get info while there's movement too. Nice job and good luck with this!