Beneath the Red Sand (YA Sci-Fi with a supernatural twist)

[Lora Palmer]

CURRENT VERSION:

Dear Awesome Agent,

When seventeen-year-old Kassi Blake’s father is chosen by the Joint Space Commission to help terraform the red planet, Kassi gets dragged away with her family to join Mars Colony 1. Mars is a sterile wasteland 33.9 million miles away from home and her dance academy. Heartbroken over sacrificing her ambitions of becoming a prima ballerina to make her father’s dream come true, she has no choice but to make a new life with the limited options available to her on Mars. She learns the excavation team is accepting applications and takes the opportunity to prove that her physical stamina and grit honed from years of ballet can translate into a new dream — success in one of the most challenging fields Mars offers.

Kassi's assigned partner in hunting archaeological treasure is Noah, a former football player and grandson of the habitat’s commander. He teases her new friend with the term of endearment, “Goth Girl," he’s got a cocky grin that’s too cute for his own good (and hers), and she’s stuck with him. On their initial dig, they unearth prehistoric cave drawings and pottery emblazoned with a mysterious symbol. When the habitat's hull breaches during a freak sandstorm that vanishes as quickly as it came, Kassi sees that the walls of their compound now bear that same strange symbol.

With the colony’s commanders in denial that this was something more than a natural disaster, Kassi and Noah team up to unravel the mystery of the symbol and discover who — or what — attacked their new home. The next disaster targets the greenhouse. Then the habitat's oxygen circulation system fails. With dwindling food stores and air supply, Kassi and Noah must confront a mysterious ancient force before it wipes out the entire community.

BENEATH THE RED SAND is a 93,000-word YA Science Fiction with a supernatural twist that combines the haunting paranormal aspects of Mission to Mars with a tale of adjusting to life on a new world. My YA Fantasy, The MirrorMasters, was published by Clean Reads in 2016. My short story, "First Wife"--a YA retelling of the biblical story of Leah, Jacob, and Rachel, is published in Month9Books' 2016 In The Beginning charity anthology. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Warmest Regards,


Lora Palmer


VERSION 1:

Dear Awesome Agent,

When seventeen-year-old Kassi Blake’s father is chosen by the Joint Space Commission to help terraform the red planet, Kassi reluctantly travels with her family to join Mars Colony 1. Mars is a sterile wasteland with no dance academy, and it’s 33.9 million miles away from home and Kassi’s dreams of becoming a prima ballerina. She learns the excavation team is accepting applications and takes the opportunity to prove that her physical stamina and grit honed from years of ballet can translate into a new dream — success in one of the most challenging fields Mars offers.

Kassi's assigned partner in hunting archaeological treasure is Noah, a former football player and grandson of the habitat’s commander. He teases her new friend with the term of endearment, “Goth Girl," he’s got a cocky grin that’s too cute for his own good (and hers), and she’s stuck with him. On their initial dig, they unearth prehistoric cave drawings and pottery emblazoned with a mysterious symbol. When the habitat's hull breaches during a freak sandstorm that vanishes as quickly as it came, Kassi sees that the walls of their compound now bear that same strange symbol.

With the colony’s commanders in denial, or maybe covering up, that this was something more than a natural disaster, Kassi and Noah team up to unravel the mystery of the symbol and discover who — or what — attacked their new home. The next disaster targets the greenhouse. Then the habitat's oxygen circulation system fails. With dwindling food stores and air supply, Kassi and Noah must face an ancient force before it wipes out the entire community.

BENEATH THE RED SAND is a 93,000-word YA Science Fiction with a supernatural twist that combines the haunting paranormal aspects of Mission to Mars with a tale of adjusting to life on a new world. My YA Fantasy, The MirrorMasters, was published by Clean Reads in 2016. My short story, "First Wife"--a YA retelling of the biblical story of Leah, Jacob, and Rachel, is published in Month9Books' 2016 In The Beginning charity anthology. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Warmest Regards,


Lora Palmer

[beautifulbrainbooks]

Lora,

This sounds like such an interesting story! I love seeing people adapt in the hardest circumstances.

I don't have much critism, but some thoughts: it seems like she gets over wanting to be a ballerina right away. I know this may be more pronounced in the book, but the query doesn't show much internal struggle there. The line "he teases her (...) she's stuck with him" reads a bit strangely to me, possibly because you switch from he to she within a list like that. It may just be worth some tinkering.

I really like the concept for this book, and I think it'll make a great story!

Kerenza (she/her)

[✨ LilRonGal ✨]

Hi Lora!

Hi, I'm pretty much on the same page as Kerenza! I think this concept is super interesting, but I'd want to play up the ballerina bit just a little more. Does her anger at not being able to study ballet drive her to join the excavation team?

And one more small thing: I think you can punch up some of your word choices to make the query even more exciting. For example, I'd use more dynamic language for that last line:

With dwindling food stores and air supply, Kassi and Noah must /battle/ an ancient force before it wipes out the entire community.


I see a few places where you can use more descriptive words to really make this shine!

Best of luck to you!

[Lora Palmer]

Hi, Kerenza and Ronni,

Thank you both so much for your feedback! Part of the ballerina thing is making the best of a brutally rough situation. There's an area for her to dance, but no dance company. She is angry about her lifelong dream ending. Instead of wallowing in it, she needs to choose a new dream from the limited options available to her on Mars, and excavation is it for her. I'll see what I can do to play up that angle more . I'll definitely give some thought to where I can punch up word choices in spots. For the last line, what happens would probably be closer to defy or confront.

[RebeccaJ_Allen]

Hey, Lora! good to see you here!

I like this query and just have nitpicks. Take what works and leave the rest.

Jul 10, 2022 15:11:19 GMT -5 Lora Palmer said:

Dear Awesome Agent,

When seventeen-year-old Kassi Blake’s father is chosen by the Joint Space Commission to help terraform the red planet, Kassi reluctantly travels[this could be more voicy - dragged, hijacked...] with her family to join Mars Colony 1. Mars is a sterile wasteland with no dance academy, and it’s 33.9 million miles away from home and Kassi’s dreams of becoming a prima ballerina. She learns the excavation team is accepting applications and takes the opportunity to prove that her physical stamina and grit honed from years of ballet can translate into a new dream — success in one of the most challenging fields Mars offers.

Kassi's assigned partner in hunting archaeological treasure is Noah, a former football player and grandson of the habitat’s commander. He teases her new friend with the term of endearment, “Goth Girl,"[this first point doesn't feel that important, though I love the next two] he’s got a cocky grin that’s too cute for his own good (and hers), and she’s stuck with him. On their initial dig, they unearth prehistoric cave drawings and pottery emblazoned with a mysterious symbol. When the habitat's hull breaches during a freak sandstorm that vanishes as quickly as it came, Kassi sees that the walls of their compound now bear that same strange symbol.[this is great!]

With the colony’s commanders in denial, or maybe covering up, that this was something more than a natural disaster,[this reads awkwardly. moving "or maybe covering up" to after the next phrase might work better.] Kassi and Noah team up to unravel the mystery of the symbol and discover who — or what — attacked their new home. The next disaster targets the greenhouse. Then the habitat's oxygen circulation system fails. [great!]With dwindling food stores and air supply, Kassi and Noah must face an[powerful/dangerous/deadly/mysterious- there's room for a good adjective here] ancient force before it wipes out the entire community.

BENEATH THE RED SAND is a 93,000-word YA Science Fiction with a supernatural twist that combines the haunting paranormal aspects of Mission to Mars with a tale of adjusting to life on a new world. My YA Fantasy, The MirrorMasters, was published by Clean Reads in 2016. My short story, "First Wife"--a YA retelling of the biblical story of Leah, Jacob, and Rachel, is published in Month9Books' 2016 In The Beginning charity anthology. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Warmest Regards,


Lora Palmer

[Lora Palmer]

Thank you, Rebecca! Hope this works. I ended up cutting the part about maybe covering up the cause of the disasters to streamline the sentence.

[christinaf]

Jul 10, 2022 15:11:19 GMT -5 Lora Palmer said:

CURRENT VERSION:

Dear Awesome Agent,

When seventeen-year-old Kassi Blake’s father is chosen by the Joint Space Commission to help terraform the red planet, Kassi gets dragged away with her family to join Mars Colony 1. Mars is a sterile wasteland with no dance academy, and it’s 33.9 million miles away from home and Kassi’s dreams of becoming a prima ballerina. Love the voice in this opening! Heartbroken and resentful over sacrificing her ambitions to make her father’s come true, she has no choice but to make a new life with the limited options available to her on Mars. She learns the excavation team is accepting applications and takes the opportunity to prove that her physical stamina and grit honed from years of ballet can translate into a new dream — success in one of the most challenging fields Mars offers.

Kassi's assigned partner in hunting archaeological treasure is Noah, a former football player and grandson of the habitat’s commander. He teases her new friend with the term of endearment, “Goth Girl," he’s got a cocky grin that’s too cute for his own good (and hers), and she’s stuck with him. On their initial dig, they unearth prehistoric cave drawings and pottery emblazoned with a mysterious symbol. When the habitat's hull breaches during a freak sandstorm that vanishes as quickly as it came, Kassi sees that the walls of their compound now bear that same strange symbol. ooooooh

With the colony’s commanders in denial that this was something more than a natural disaster, Kassi and Noah team up to unravel the mystery of the symbol and discover who — or what — attacked their new home. The next disaster targets the greenhouse. Then the habitat's oxygen circulation system fails. With dwindling food stores and air supply, Kassi and Noah must confront a mysterious ancient force before it wipes out the entire community. I love the claustrophobic feeling and situation this sets up.

BENEATH THE RED SAND is a 93,000-word YA Science Fiction with a supernatural twist that combines the haunting paranormal aspects of Mission to Mars with a tale of adjusting to life on a new world. My YA Fantasy, The MirrorMasters, was published by Clean Reads in 2016. My short story, "First Wife"--a YA retelling of the biblical story of Leah, Jacob, and Rachel, is published in Month9Books' 2016 In The Beginning charity anthology. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Warmest Regards,


Lora Palmer
I don't really have any suggestions. This sounds great and I'd definitely read it! Good luck!




VERSION 1:

Dear Awesome Agent,

When seventeen-year-old Kassi Blake’s father is chosen by the Joint Space Commission to help terraform the red planet, Kassi reluctantly travels with her family to join Mars Colony 1. Mars is a sterile wasteland with no dance academy, and it’s 33.9 million miles away from home and Kassi’s dreams of becoming a prima ballerina. She learns the excavation team is accepting applications and takes the opportunity to prove that her physical stamina and grit honed from years of ballet can translate into a new dream — success in one of the most challenging fields Mars offers.

Kassi's assigned partner in hunting archaeological treasure is Noah, a former football player and grandson of the habitat’s commander. He teases her new friend with the term of endearment, “Goth Girl," he’s got a cocky grin that’s too cute for his own good (and hers), and she’s stuck with him. On their initial dig, they unearth prehistoric cave drawings and pottery emblazoned with a mysterious symbol. When the habitat's hull breaches during a freak sandstorm that vanishes as quickly as it came, Kassi sees that the walls of their compound now bear that same strange symbol.

With the colony’s commanders in denial, or maybe covering up, that this was something more than a natural disaster, Kassi and Noah team up to unravel the mystery of the symbol and discover who — or what — attacked their new home. The next disaster targets the greenhouse. Then the habitat's oxygen circulation system fails. With dwindling food stores and air supply, Kassi and Noah must face an ancient force before it wipes out the entire community.

BENEATH THE RED SAND is a 93,000-word YA Science Fiction with a supernatural twist that combines the haunting paranormal aspects of Mission to Mars with a tale of adjusting to life on a new world. My YA Fantasy, The MirrorMasters, was published by Clean Reads in 2016. My short story, "First Wife"--a YA retelling of the biblical story of Leah, Jacob, and Rachel, is published in Month9Books' 2016 In The Beginning charity anthology. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Warmest Regards,


Lora Palmer