|
|
Post by Daniel Tess on Jul 9, 2022 15:34:04 GMT -5
Tommy can bring his toys to life, a talent best used to impress school-mates and prank the folk of Nyrmoon. Lately, though, he’s been working way too hard earning his bread, and distracted, he accidentally neglects his most sacred duty: tending the spiritual fire.
Quick-tempered and eager to punish, the spirits freeze over Tommy’s home, forcing him to build a new one with his magic. He sculpts a wooden man with axes for hands, and orders it to assemble shelter. But the Wood-Cutter slips out of control and tries to cleave Tommy’s head off.
Tommy has to find a way to disenchant his creation and appease the spirits. Then he must choose whether to bottle up his powers forever. But the longer he holds his magic hostage, the harder it gets. To succeed is to be endlessly at war with his own flesh. But to fail will be the darkest day Nyrmoon has ever seen.
Featuring two independent story threads which interweave, DREAM CALCULATOR (60,000 words) is a MG, Epic Fantasy, stands alone, has series potential and crossover appeal.
My name is Daniel Teszler I’m a comic actor and stage performer working at an independent Company specialized in children's musicals. I teach singing lessons on the side and have also been known to mold unreasonable amounts of balloon animals at kids’ birthday parties.
|
|
|
|
Post by RebeccaJ_Allen on Jul 11, 2022 7:24:28 GMT -5
Hey, Daniel, thanks for your help with Rules! I think your query is already quite strong, but had a couple thoughts. Tommy can bring his toys to life, a talent best [best? it doesn't seem like the best use.] used to impress school-mates and prank the folk of Nyrmoon. [cool town name, and your character sounds fun in that "no, don't do that but I can't stop reading" way.] Lately, though, he’s been working way too hard earning his bread, and distracted, he accidentally neglects his most sacred duty: tending the spiritual fire. Quick-tempered and eager to punish, the spirits freeze over Tommy’s home, forcing him to build a new one with his magic. He sculpts a wooden man with axes for hands, and orders it to assemble shelter. But the Wood-Cutter slips out of control and tries to cleave Tommy’s head off. [yikes! cool.]Tommy has to find a way to disenchant his creation and appease the spirits. Then he must choose whether to bottle up his powers forever. But the longer he holds his magic hostage, the harder it gets. [Tommy's problem and the stakes are good] To succeed is to be endlessly at war with his own flesh. [but I'd love something clearer than "at war with his own flesh." But to fail will be the darkest day Nyrmoon has ever seen. [why?]Featuring two independent story threads which interweave, DREAM CALCULATOR (60,000 words) is a MG, Epic Fantasy, stands alone, has series potential and crossover appeal. My name is Daniel Teszler I’m a comic actor and stage performer working at an independent Company specialized in children's musicals. I teach singing lessons on the side and have also been known to mold unreasonable amounts of balloon animals at kids’ birthday parties. [cool but not needed for WriteonCon.]Hope this helps! Take whatever does and toss the rest! Rebecca
|
|
|
|
Post by beautifulbrainbooks on Jul 11, 2022 12:54:58 GMT -5
Daniel,
This sounds like such an interesting story! I love that the world seems so strongly built, but still relatable enough to be understood.
I don't have much feedback, but there are a few things. How does spiritual fire affect the world outside of Tommy's life? I think it does, but I don't know how. I also agree with Rebecca that it may make sense for a bit clearer stakes for if he bottles up or doesn' bottle up his powers.
Thanks for letting me read this! Good luck with it.
|
|
|
|
Post by taratlk on Jul 13, 2022 12:31:31 GMT -5
So my question from reading this is what are the two story threads being woven together?
Also, is it possible to hint at why Tommy must bottle up the magic? Like are the townsfolk mad at the head chopping toy?
|
|
|
|
Post by daniellefreeland on Jul 14, 2022 7:45:35 GMT -5
Hi Daniel, thanks for sharing your query. I really liked your query. Only a few comments below.
Tommy can bring his toys to life (how does he do this? I would say how as it is the hook that gets us really drawn into your story), a talent best used to impress school-mates and prank the folk of Nyrmoon. Lately, though, he’s been working way too hard earning his bread (working in a job is not really a thing a kid does. Do you mean he has a paper route or some other enterprise? If so, I would be specific here), and distracted, he accidentally neglects his most sacred duty: tending the spiritual fire (great hook...I want to know more).
Quick-tempered and eager to punish, the spirits freeze over Tommy’s home, forcing him to build a new one with his magic. He sculpts a wooden man with axes for hands, and orders it to assemble shelter. But the Wood-Cutter slips out of control and tries to cleave Tommy’s head off. (to me this paragraph feels like more of the story detail than something for the query letter.....what does your character want? what is his goal? what is at stake for him? Does he spend the book trying to get away from the spirits? Does he have something he is trying to achieve? In the paragraph below he says he is try to appearse the spirits, but why is he doing this? is it just because of the fire? If so, I think put this info above with the info about the fire)
Tommy has to find a way to disenchant his creation and appease the spirits (why?). Then he must choose whether to bottle up his powers forever. But the longer he holds his magic hostage (super great hook), the harder it gets. To succeed is to be endlessly at war with his own flesh (I love this concept). But to fail will be the darkest day Nyrmoon has ever seen (what is the consequence to make it dark?).
Featuring two independent story threads which interweave (between the MC and the spirits? this is a pretty great concept), DREAM CALCULATOR (60,000 words) is a MG, Epic Fantasy, stands alone, has series potential and crossover appeal.
My name is Daniel Teszler I’m a comic actor and stage performer working at an independent Company specialized in children's musicals. I teach singing lessons on the side and have also been known to mold unreasonable amounts of balloon animals at kids’ birthday parties. (I think this personal information is great. The right length and very interesting)
Overall, I think the hooks are really interesting, but there are a lot of questions. I would suggest to consider saying less, but with more information. I think if we know a few whys that will clear up the confusion....I love the concept of the two characters weaving together.
Best of luck with this Daniel
Danielle
|
|
