Pictures that Lie - YA Suspense

[RebeccaJ_Allen]

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

CHAPTER 1: 6:01 a.m. - Mason

The nerdy girl is ghosting me.

A gray sedan speeds by, reminding me that I don’t want to be standing with my shoulder propped against the school’s rough brick wall if the next car is a cop’s. Getting to Green Point High before the teachers show up screams “something sketchy’s goin’ on.”

“Where are you, Dalma Santos?” I grumble. My breath fogs the chilly air.

This was her plan. If she’s backed out, no one but me will know. She’ll keep her rep as the quiet girl who can always answer teachers’ questions. But an excellent opportunity for revenge will die a silent death.

I button the top of my denim jacket. Damn, it’s cold. Too early and too cold. But it’s the fear that Dalma’s bailed that sparks an icy chill deep in my gut.

Shrugging my backpack off my shoulder, I pull out a Monster energy drink and pop open the tab. It tastes like the color neon green with a chaser of Cherry Pop Rocks. My eyelids immediately feel lighter.

Dalma has until I finish my drink to get here, then I go looking for her.

But just then I hear a low pssst from farther down the side of the building. My boots crackle on frosted grass as I trudge forward. When I reach the first window, Dalma’s looking out at me from inside. Her lips twitch into a nervous smile.

How did she get inside the building at this hour?

“We were supposed to meet at the doors.” I don’t hide my annoyance.

She presses her lips into a thin line like she’s remembered our days as lab partners are ancient history. This deal is strictly business and she’d better hold up her end of it.

Her hands flutter as she explains. “I figured asking you to meet outside the science hall windows would raise questions.”

I down another gulp of Monster, hoping the sugar and caffeine will spin my brain up to full power. “You’re right. Questions like, ‘How’d you get in there?’ and, more importantly, ‘How do I get in?’”

“You don’t.” Dalma’s long, jet-black hair swings over her shoulder as she pushes open the window. She reaches out, her skin golden in the early morning light, to hand me what looks like a wad of cash wrapped in a plastic grocery bag. It’s thicker than necessary for this transaction.

Opening the bag, I thumb through a bunch of ones and three worn five-dollar bills. I’m usually paid with tens and twenties, but cash is cash. I drop it into my backpack.

“Your bill’s paid. Let’s circle back to how I get in.”

Dalma’s eyes are still on my bag. “You get the confetti cannons; I get them into the building. That was our deal.”

I scowl. “I had the distinct impression that you were getting us into the building.”

“How can I do that? There’s an alarm system on the doors.” Dalma bounces nervously on her toes, anxiety betrayed by her every move.

[DianaDeBolt]

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

CHAPTER 1: 6:01 a.m. - Mason

The nerdy girl is ghosting me. [at first I thought the nerdy girl was the one speeding by in the car which made me a bit confused. Maybe the reader needs another sentence before moving on to the car? I wonder if you could switch the sentence "Where are you, Dalma..." to sit between the first and car paragraph? This could just be me.]

A gray sedan speeds by, reminding me that I don’t want to be standing with my shoulder propped against the school’s rough brick wall if the next car is a cop’s. Getting to Green Point High before the teachers show up screams “something sketchy’s goin’ on.”

“Where are you, Dalma Santos?” I grumble. My breath fogs the chilly air.

This was her plan. If she’s backed out, no one but me will know. She’ll keep her rep as the quiet girl who can always answer teachers’ questions. But an excellent opportunity for revenge will die a silent death.

I button the top of my denim jacket. Damn, it’s cold. Too early and too cold. But it’s the fear that Dalma’s bailed that sparks an icy chill deep in my gut.

Shrugging my backpack off my shoulder, I pull out a Monster energy drink and pop open the tab. It tastes like the color neon green with a chaser of Cherry Pop Rocks. [love this!] My eyelids immediately feel lighter. [love this, too]

Dalma has until I finish my drink to get here, then I go looking for her.

But just then [to cut out the repetition of then] I hear a low pssst from farther down the side of the building. My boots crackle on frosted grass as I trudge forward. When I reach the first window, Dalma’s looking out at me from inside. Her lips twitch into a nervous smile.

How did she get inside the building at this hour?

“We were supposed to meet at the doors.” I don’t hide my annoyance.

She presses her lips into a thin line like she’s remembered our days as lab partners are ancient history. This deal is strictly business and she’d better hold up her end of it.

Her hands flutter as she explains. “I figured asking you to meet outside the science hall windows would raise questions.”

I down another gulp of Monster, hoping the sugar and caffeine will spin my brain up to full power. “You’re right. Questions like, ‘How’d you get in there?’ and, more importantly, ‘How do I get in?’”

“You don’t.” Dalma’s long, jet-black hair swings over her shoulder as she pushes open the window. She reaches out, her skin golden in the early morning light, to hand me what looks like a wad of cash wrapped in a plastic grocery bag. It’s thicker than necessary for this transaction.

Opening the bag, I thumb through a bunch of ones and three worn five-dollar bills. I’m usually paid with tens and twenties, but cash is cash. I drop it into my backpack.

“Your bill’s paid. Let’s circle back to how I get in.”

Dalma’s eyes are still on my bag. “You get the confetti cannons; I get them into the building. That was our deal.”

I scowl. “I had the distinct impression that you were getting us into the building.”

“How can I do that? There’s an alarm system on the doors.” [ohhhh, intriguing! How did she get in then?] Dalma bounces nervously on her toes, anxiety betrayed by her every move.

I like the main characters voice and I'm very interested in the deal between the two characters. I'd definitely read on!

[atbaron]

RebeccaJ_Allen, I agree with what DianaDeBolt posted. So, I won't reiterate what they wrote but add a few items.

I love the first line. Short and ironic.

Your description of the drink is great. I love that you say it tastes like a specific color. I assume your character doesn't have synesthesia, but it plays on the idea that some flavors can't be described and some colors lend to a certain flavor.

You wrote: "We were supposed to meet at the doors." I don't hide my annoyance.
I think it might be better to show that annoyance. Let's see some facial expressions or body posture here.

I also have no clue how old the protagonist is, her name, or any other fact than that she is wearing a denim jacket and boots, and possibly has a history with the cops or faculty. I realize this is the first 500 words, so I hope some of this information shows up shortly after.

All this cloak and dagger for a confetti cannon made me giggle.

I am very intrigued to know where this goes and would love to read more.

[hannahgreer]

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

CHAPTER 1: 6:01 a.m. - Mason

The nerdy girl is ghosting me. Great hook! Where they texting and she stopped responding?  I'm so curious I have to read on.

A gray sedan speeds by, reminding me that I don’t want to be standing with my shoulder propped against the school’s rough brick wall if the next car is a cop’s. Getting to Green Point High before the teachers show up screams “something sketchy’s goin’ on.”

“Where are you, Dalma Santos?” I grumble. My breath fogs the chilly air.

This was her plan. If she’s backed out, no one but me will know. She’ll keep her rep as the quiet girl who can always answer teachers’ questions. But an excellent opportunity for revenge will die a silent death. I feel like I'm getting so much information about Dalma, she sounds like such an interesting character. I do wonder bout the MC though.

I button the top of my denim jacket. Damn, it’s cold. Too early and too cold. But it’s the fear that Dalma’s bailed that sparks an icy chill deep in my gut.

Shrugging my backpack off my shoulder, I pull out a Monster energy drink and pop open the tab. It tastes like the color neon green with a chaser of Cherry Pop Rocks. My eyelids immediately feel lighter.

Dalma has until I finish my drink to get here, then I go looking for her.

But just then I hear a low pssst from farther down the side of the building. My boots crackle on frosted grass as I trudge forward. When I reach the first window, Dalma’s looking out at me from inside. Her lips twitch into a nervous smile.

How did she get inside the building at this hour?

“We were supposed to meet at the doors.” I don’t hide my annoyance.

She presses her lips into a thin line like she’s remembered our days as lab partners are ancient history. This deal is strictly business and she’d better hold up her end of it. This makes me wonder if they used to be friends but something happened between them.  But then again, being lab partners sounds like business too.

Her hands flutter as she explains. “I figured asking you to meet outside the science hall windows would raise questions.”

I down another gulp of Monster, hoping the sugar and caffeine will spin my brain up to full power. “You’re right. Questions like, ‘How’d you get in there?’ and, more importantly, ‘How do I get in?’” haha, so many questions!

“You don’t.” Dalma’s long, jet-black hair swings over her shoulder as she pushes open the window. She reaches out, her skin golden in the early morning light, to hand me what looks like a wad of cash wrapped in a plastic grocery bag. It’s thicker than necessary for this transaction.

Opening the bag, I thumb through a bunch of ones and three worn five-dollar bills. I’m usually paid with tens and twenties, but cash is cash. I drop it into my backpack.

“Your bill’s paid. Let’s circle back to how I get in.”

Dalma’s eyes are still on my bag. “You get the confetti cannons; I get them into the building. That was our deal.” Now I'm wondering if she's just paying for the confetti cannons? Why couldn't she get them herself? And is the MC seems to know what they're doing, are they in the regular business of selling confetti cannons?

I scowl. “I had the distinct impression that you were getting us into the building.”

“How can I do that? There’s an alarm system on the doors.” Dalma bounces nervously on her toes, anxiety betrayed by her every move.

This opening was packed with subtle hints about the relationship between Dalma and the MC, and what they'll be getting up to. I'm very curious if all this is over some prank or something else! One thing that might make this more interesting is if we got to know the MC a bit more, but that could just be my personal preference. Right now, Dalma seems like such a vivid character, but I know virtually nothing about the MC. Why are they doing this? Just for the money? For Dalma? I have so many questions! Overall, a very intriguing start to a novel!

[britstanford]

Love this bit.

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

It tastes like the color neon green

I'd cut out "But just"

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

But just then

Did Dalma open the window to talk to him (her?), or are they talking through the window?

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

Dalma’s looking out at me from inside. Her lips twitch into a nervous smile.

How did she get inside the building at this hour?

“We were supposed to meet at the doors.” I don’t hide my annoyance.

This read a bit awkward for me.

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

caffeine will spin my brain up to full power.

Great detail.

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

It’s thicker than necessary for this transaction.

Opening the bag, I thumb through a bunch of ones and three worn five-dollar bills. I’m usually paid with tens and twenties,

This was a real surprise for me, haha. I was expecting something much more menacing, what with the buildup. Maybe that's what you're going for?

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

You get the confetti cannons

[christinaf]

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

CHAPTER 1: 6:01 a.m. - Mason

The nerdy girl is ghosting me. I still love this line so much.

A gray sedan speeds by, reminding me that I don’t want to be standing with my shoulder propped against the school’s rough brick wall if the next car is a cop’s. Getting to Green Point High before the teachers show up screams “something sketchy’s goin’ on.”

“Where are you, Dalma Santos?” I grumble. My breath fogs the chilly air.

This was her plan. If she’s backed out, no one but me will know. She’ll keep her rep as the quiet girl who can always answer teachers’ questions. But an excellent opportunity for revenge will die a silent death.

I button the top of my denim jacket. Damn, it’s cold. Too early and too cold. But it’s the fear that Dalma’s bailed that sparks an icy chill deep in my gut.

Shrugging my backpack off my shoulder, I pull out a Monster energy drink and pop open the tab. It tastes like the color neon green with a chaser of Cherry Pop Rocks. My eyelids immediately feel lighter.

Dalma has until I finish my drink to get here, then I go looking for her.

But just then I hear a low pssst from farther down the side of the building. My boots crackle on frosted grass as I trudge forward. When I reach the first window, Dalma’s looking out at me from inside. Her lips twitch into a nervous smile.

How did she get inside the building at this hour?

“We were supposed to meet at the doors.” I don’t hide my annoyance.

She presses her lips into a thin line like she’s remembered our days as lab partners are ancient history. This deal is strictly business and she’d better hold up her end of it.

Her hands flutter as she explains. “I figured asking you to meet outside the science hall windows would raise questions.”

I down another gulp of Monster, hoping the sugar and caffeine will spin my brain up to full power. “You’re right. Questions like, ‘How’d you get in there?’ and, more importantly, ‘How do I get in?’”

“You don’t.” Dalma’s long, jet-black hair swings over her shoulder as she pushes open the window. She reaches out, her skin golden in the early morning light, to hand me what looks like a wad of cash wrapped in a plastic grocery bag. It’s thicker than necessary for this transaction.

Opening the bag, I thumb through a bunch of ones and three worn five-dollar bills. I’m usually paid with tens and twenties, but cash is cash. I drop it into my backpack.

“Your bill’s paid. Let’s circle back to how I get in.”

Dalma’s eyes are still on my bag. “You get the confetti cannons; I get them into the building. That was our deal.”

I scowl. “I had the distinct impression that you were getting us into the building.”

“How can I do that? There’s an alarm system on the doors.” Dalma bounces nervously on her toes, anxiety betrayed by her every move.


I absolutely love the voice in this whole opening! It sucks me right in along with the intrigue of the quiet girl meeting up with Mason for some sort of revenge plan. Great job here. I don't have any notes lol I just really liked it. Good luck with this!!

[RebeccaJ_Allen]

Jul 16, 2022 10:32:23 GMT -5 christinaf said:

Jul 9, 2022 15:06:37 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

I absolutely love the voice in this whole opening! It sucks me right in along with the intrigue of the quiet girl meeting up with Mason for some sort of revenge plan. Great job here. I don't have any notes lol I just really liked it. Good luck with this!

Thanks for reading and for your kind words!

Rebecca