Rules for Talking to Ghosts - WIP

[RebeccaJ_Allen]

Version 2.0. Old version below for reference. Thanks in advance for any feedback.

RULES FOR TALKING TO GHOSTS is MG horror inspired by local legend. The Goonies meets City of Ghosts by V.E. Schwab.

Thirteen-year-old Julian loves Collinsville and its history, but he doesn’t want that history to come back from the dead to steal his head. When he and two friends discover an old ax blade in the abandoned mill building they use as a clubhouse, its conjures the ghost of a boy their age who worked at the old factory. He warns them to run just as the tweens hear the thundering strides of an approaching horse.

They take off but only have two bikes. Lex rides for help, while Julian and Mia dash though the woods on foot with the horse and rider closing in. Dark, hulking, and headless, the rider, traps them with their backs to the river. He grasps Mia, but Lex returns with a crew of high schoolers just in time to prevent the worst.

The tweens are terrified to learn the horseman will return for one of their heads and decide to research the heck out of this specter. They consult the iconic Johnny Depp movie, question the boy ghost via a Ouiji Board, troll the library, and even search the lame local historical museum. With All Saint’s Even approaching, the danger grows. They need to figure out how to banish the horseman fast because their necks are on the line. Literally.

RULES FOR TALKING TO GHOSTS, told from three points of view, is complete at 40,000 words.

--------------

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

RULES FOR TALKING TO GHOSTS is MG horror told from three points of view. Inspired by local legend, the manuscript is 40,000 words. The Goonies meets City of Ghosts by V.E. Schwab.

“Quaint, historic” Collinsville is a town people pass through on their way somewhere else, not the site of ghostly hauntings. But that changes when three tweens discover an old ax blade in one of the town’s abandoned mill buildings. The blade allows them to communicate with the ghost of its former owner, a boy their age who worked at the old ax factory. It also conjures a more sinister specter, a headless horseman right out of Sleepy Hollow.

Lex, Julian, and Mia barely escape when the specter attacks in the woods near their hideout. They’re terrified to learn it will grow stronger as All Saint’s Eve approaches. They need to banish it, but how can they, when no one they ask for help can even see the ghost?

Julian loves Collinsville and its history, but he doesn’t want that history to come back from the dead to steal his head. He’s going to research the heck out of these ghosts.

Mia landed in Looserville after Mom and Dad’s divorce left NYC big enough for only one of them. Dad moved on to Family 2.0, the new improved version, and Mom dragged Mia to Collinsville for a “fresh start.” Now the town’s not just boring, but haunted. Awesome.

Lex hates the prying eyes of the small-town nosy bodies. They report the tiniest rule infraction to Mom with lightning speed, yet somehow can’t produce a single clue to help banish the head-hunting ghost.

The tweens consult the iconic Johnny Depp movie for intel, question the boy ghost via a Ouiji Board, troll the library, and even search the lame local historical museum. But All Saint’s Eve is approaching fast and their necks are on the line. Literally.

[Daniel Tess]

This sounds like an interesting story, so If I were an agent I'd glance at the sample pages. But I would do so with reservations. The blurb meanders. 285 words to blurb a 40k word book is stretching it.

I feel like it would be more enticing if you ended at the point of greatest tension. That means structuring your blurb to stop with the characters in the middle of running away from the ghost.

The three individual descriptions of the main characters are not necessary in a blurb. I understand that as a writer you feel that each of your darlings deserves a place in the spotlight. But readers and agents need to be "clickbated" into reading your book. You want us excited to dive in, and we don't need 3 characters to get excited. In fact, one would be far better. Because right now you're trying to catch 3 rabbits with one stone, and missing them all. Take aim at one Rabbit, hit that one head on, and offhandedly mention the presence of the other two. 

Just so I'm clear, that means, I suggest starting the blurb with the town, then a little about 1 character, then telling us about how they + two unnamed siblings discover the ax. The ghost chasing them is the climax, close off with stakes.

Jul 9, 2022 14:24:17 GMT -5 RebeccaJ_Allen said:

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

RULES FOR TALKING TO GHOSTS is MG horror told from three points of view. Inspired by local legend, the manuscript is 40,000 words. The Goonies meets City of Ghosts by V.E. Schwab.

“Quaint, historic” This threw me off when reading. I'm not expecting quotes in a blurb. They only distract me by making me question who said that. You also don't need two adjectives. Efficiency is the name of the game. I wouldn't keep either, because you go on about how it's a town people pass through, and that gets the atmosphere across well enough anyway. Collinsville is a town people pass through  on their way somewhere else That said, I read books in order to enjoy exciting settings and worlds. So, by out of the gate, underlining the banality of this location -- even for a second -- it kinda puts me off. Can you get across the atmosphere while still not making the setting sound dull?, not the site of ghostly hauntings. But that changes when three tweens discover an old ax blade in one of the town’s abandoned mill buildings This makes me ask "What were they doing there and why?" And this is not the I'm intrigued sort of question. I think you need to transition into their discovery by letting us know how we got into the situation. The blade allows them to communicate with the ghost of its former owner, a boy their age who worked at the old ax factory. This is interesting, but feels like it's lacking relevance. I'm also questioning why the three kids don't get out of there immediately. Consider skipping this or making this ghost more relevant. It also conjures a more sinister specter, This is not a very dramatic way to set up the appearance of a deadly threat. It feels telly. I feel that if anywhere you should focus on showing and making me immersed it's here. Describe the appearance in a way that will scare me. a headless horseman right out of Sleepy Hollow. I feel that this is redundant. It's a headless horseman, it's spooky, we get it. Divert wordcount elsewhere.

Lex, Julian, and Mia barely escape when the specter attacks in the woods near their hideout. They’re terrified to learn it will grow stronger as All Saint’s Eve approaches. They need to banish it, but how can they, when no one they ask for help can even see the ghost? Don't let them escape. Keep the tension. If the agent wants to know if the kids escape, the agent should read the book.   Also, the ghost getting stronger is a bit of a can of worms, maybe a thing for act 2, not for the blurb? But maybe it could be set up to become "consequence Z" as shown lower. Though "grow stronger is supper abstract. Why does it's strength matter? Just tell us what terrible thing it will do once it has enough time to gather the necessary strength."

Also, end with stakes like the query shark suggest: Main characters must do X or consequence Y will happen. If they do succeed even worse consequence Z will happen.

Julian loves Collinsville and its history, but he doesn’t want that history to come back from the dead to steal his head. He’s going to research the heck out of these ghosts.

Mia landed in Looserville after Mom and Dad’s divorce left NYC big enough for only one of them. Dad moved on to Family 2.0, the new improved version, and Mom dragged Mia to Collinsville for a “fresh start.” Now the town’s not just boring, but haunted. Awesome.

Lex hates the prying eyes of the small-town nosy bodies. They report the tiniest rule infraction to Mom with lightning speed, yet somehow can’t produce a single clue to help banish the head-hunting ghost.

The tweens consult the iconic Johnny Depp movie for intel, question the boy ghost via a Ouiji Board, troll the library, and even search the lame local historical museum. But All Saint’s Eve is approaching fast and their necks are on the line. Literally.

[RebeccaJ_Allen]

Thank you, Daniel Tess! You make a lot of good points. I appreciate your thoughts.
Rebecca

[melpend]

Hi, Rebecca!

I don't think you need to mention the 3 points of view, at least not as your opening sentence. If you feel you need to keep it in there, I think it would fit better in a description paragraph after your blurb. For example, something like:

-Hook
-Blurb
-Description paragraph

I agree with Daniel. I also think the blurb can be condensed. I understand that you include the paragraphs about Julian, Mia, and Lex since the story is told from three points of view but I don't think those paragraphs really add much to your query. They almost seem to break up the flow. I think you can take them out and your query will still be just as effective.

However, I love the first line of Julian's paragraph ("Julian loves Collinsville and its history, but he doesn’t want that history to come back from the dead to steal his head.") so what if you use it as the hook to start your query?

Just some thoughts! Best of luck!

[ledelbrock]

Hi!

So, I queried a dual POV once and it makes writing a query so tricky! A few overarching notes:

1. Can you put an age or grade to the kids? "Tweens" is a pretty wide age group in terms of maturity.
2. Characters are key to a story. I'd find a way to enhance the hook paragraph with more of a focus on the kids. Example:

Nothing interesting ever happens in quaint, historic Collinsville. But when 6th graders Lex, Julian, and Mia discover an old ax blade in one of the town's abandoned mill buildings, they accidentally conjure a real headless horseman right out of Sleepy Hollow. Barely escaping the sinister specter, the three learn that it will only grow stronger as All Saint's Eve approaches.

3. Are the kids new friends? Do they all have similar internal arcs? Besides the ghost, what internally are they facing? Answering some of these questions may help you flesh out the character info so it feels necessary to the query.

3. What Johnny Depp movie are you referring to? OH! As I'm typing it I remembered he was in a Sleepy Hollow movie, ha! Maybe don't reference him... it takes too much thinking for the reader to connect what you mean

Hope some of this helps, good luck!