The Ghost Who Can Only Goo

[DianaDeBolt]

The Ghost Who Can Only Goo
By Diana DeBolt

Archie B. Gloom has until the full moon
Of Halloween night to show off his talent at fright.

His family is famous with frights galore
But Archie’s scares are nothing to adore.
He wants a talent for which to boast
Not to be a jittery, frightened scaredy-ghost
With every creak, rattle, or boo
Archie B. Gloom can only goo.

An annoying tangled up excess
Of slimy ectoplasmic mess.
[When Archie gets scared, he leaves behind ectoplasmic slime]

Mama’s fright is creepy cuisine
To frighten trick-or-treaters on Halloween.
Wiggly-jiggly, mysterious cakes,
stinky, swampy, mint-chocolate shakes,
And candy apples on boney sticks.
Her treats always have the best tricks.
[halloween themed surprises within each treat]

“I’ll give creepy cooking a try,” Archie decides.

He gathers ingredients for a graveyard cake
And hums spooky tunes while he bakes.
Into a cauldron he grates some cheese

Jumping spiders leap from the fondue
Archie B. Gloom can only goo.

An annoying tangled up excess
Of slimy, sticky ectoplasmic mess.

The epic startle is Papa’s fright.
Especially in the dark of the night.
He hides behind curtains in the family chateau.
Leaps out of closets, or stretches from a shadow.
With a loud and creepy cackle
He can make anyone’s bones rattle.

“I’ll give startles a try,” Archie decides.

Under the stairs, Archie goes
Hunkering down in the shadows.

Archie B. Gloom can only goo.

An annoying tangled up excess
Of slimy, sticky ectoplasmic mess.

Sister Allie’s fright is mixing potions
like frog’s breath burps and green skin lotions


“I’ll give potions a try,” Archie decides.

He gathers ingredients for a nosewort brew
A spoonful of snot, a cup of leftover of beetle stew.

His potion isn’t a fright or a boo
Archie B. Gloom can only goo.

An annoying tangled up excess
Of slimy, sticky ectoplasmic mess.

“I’m not good enough,” Archie insists.
“I’ll always be bad at this fright business.
A ghost is supposed to boo
But all I can do is goo.”
Archie B. Gloom plops to the floor
He doesn’t want to try anymore.

But Archie notices something new
There’s a pattern in all of that goo
He follows the trail around the chateau
Where it twists and turns and glows with gusto
In every room where Archie tried to boo
Are Halloween pictures made out of his goo.

The kitchen’s a graveyard with a swarm of bats
The stairs are crawling with hissing cats

https://www.instagram.com/p/CO2yZMorPDJ

A slimy, sticky, wonderful mess
Painted with Archie’s ectoplasmic creativeness.

[KWR229]

Ooh, you illustrate too?? I love your art style!! What's your medium? I really like the premise of a spooky talent show and the vulnerability of not knowing what your talents are compared to others. I think the holiday + another-hook books are so fun and marketable. I love your plot and illustrations.

Now, as someone who has written PB holiday books in rhyme, I'm passing along critiques I've gotten from agents and authors. I've been told that holiday books are a tough sell for debut authors because the holiday selling window is so short comparatively. You might consider leading out with something else when you're querying if you're a potential debut author.

Also, I feel like the meter and rhyme are off in some places, which I hear ALL the time as someone who likes to write in rhyme. I keep being told that unless the meter and rhyme are flawless, it's hard to sell in rhyme.

For example, GLOOM and MOON are near-rhymes, not perfect rhymes. I personally like near-rhymes, but every time I have a workshop, the instructor points out my near-rhymes as being flaws.

I took a super useful class from Diana Murray on rhyme and meter from Highlights that's now on Storyteller Academy, and I've heard that Renee LaTulippe's videos on writing in meter are awesome and free on YouTube. Diana Murray helped me see that it's really important that the rhythm of stressed and unstressed syllables stays the same, and the same number, for each line. So, for example, in your opening line, the first line has 4 stressed syllables and 6 unstressed in a dactylic pattern (DAT-dat-dat-DAT-dat-dat-DAT-dat-dat-DAT). ARCH-ie b GLOOM has un-TIL the full MOON. That sets up the expectation that dactylic will be the meter throughout the story, but by the second line it's changed: 5 stressed syllables and 8 unstressed, in an uneven rhythm: dat-DAT-dat-dat-DAT-dat-dat-DAT-dat-DAT-dat-dat-DAT (of HALL-o-ween NIGHT to show OFF his TAl-ent at FRIGHT).

I feel like your options are to take a magnifying glass to your meter and revise it to be extra consistent or to try writing it in prose, with maybe the exception of a repeating refrain. I've been seeing more books lately that have moments of rhyme without the whole book rhyming. If I remember right, the Underwear Dragon books fall into this category and maybe Don't Hug Doug.

So many great images and themes in this manuscript and some really fun lines, like "ectoplasmic mess." I'm creeped out by the idea of ectoplasm so I'm glad to see it presented here in such a fun way. I especially love that his goo IS his talent! Will the illustrations show him purposely creating art by the end instead of just inadvertently? I can't wait to buy this book when it hits the shelves.

[angelaricks]

Hi Diana,
This is a really fun story. I love the idea of the ghost trying to find his talent, and the end is delightful as he realizes his goo can do really amazing things. I like thinking of how the reader might see some of these pictures unfold throughout the story, even when Archie can't see it. The illustration you have here is so fun! Your story arc seems spot on to me.

I think, though, sometimes the effort to rhyme is leading the story instead of the story leading the rhyme. I know rhyme is a lot of fun, but I would advise trying writing this in prose to see what happens. I think you'd be able to tell it in a delightful way without the rhyme. I've had to do this with a story I wrote as well...it was really hard, but it opened it up to telling the story in a cleaner way. Alternatively, if that just doesn't tell it how you want, Kim's advice above is excellent on getting the meter and rhymes spot on.

Although writing in prose might remedy this next piece of feedback, I would be careful about using language that might be difficult for your target age group to understand (like "ectoplasmic" and "chateau"). I know Kim above mentions she really likes the use of "ectoplasmic", and I think it can work, but something to consider.

You might also consider adding additional elements of humor. I think a ghost who is "goo-ing" will be a big draw for kids, and I bet you can add some additional humor along those lines, either in text or illustration.

Thanks for sharing!