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Post by DianaDeBolt on Jul 9, 2022 9:35:38 GMT -5
Dear [agent name],
A Snicker of Magic meets Because of Winn-Dixie, WHAT STARS REMEMBER is a 40,000 word contemporary fantasy inspired by my dad and grandpa’s battles with dementia. Although it tackles a tough subject, the story is told with whimsy and hope like books by Natalie Lloyd.
In the seaside town of Starlight Cove, everyone sends a nightly wish to their personal constellation in the stars. When 11-year-old Serendipity’s grandpa starts losing his memory, the only wish she wants to come true is for his memory loss to stop. But it’s not.
Desperate to force the wish true, she catches a shooting star during the annual meteor shower, accidentally stranding her shape-shifting constellation, Alcor, on Earth. With her hope renewed by the discovery that starlings are living magical creatures, she’s confident she and Alcor can save Grandpa. When an innocent wish for pets by her best friend results in an infestation of floofy critters at school, Serendipity realizes there’s something off with Alcor’s grants.
Determined to fix wishing, Serendipity and her starling continue to try to influence wish outcomes to what they desire. But the more they practice, the worse Grandpa’s memory loss gets, and black holes form in Alcor’s starlight fur. Afraid her Grandpa and starling are both being erased, Serendipity digs into the origin of wishing in Starlight Cove, only to discover the key to saving Grandpa and her starling lies deep in Grandpa’s lost memories.
I’m also an illustrator and I’d like to add black and white, full-page and spot illustrations throughout this book. I’ve indicated a few instances for art in the manuscript; however, I foresee illustrations every other chapter or so. I’ve attached a pdf of art samples to this email. My full portfolio can be found on my website dianadebolt.com. The first chapter of this manuscript is a Storymakers award winner. My writing has been showcased in Pitch Wars and Query Kombat. I’m a high school animation teacher with eighteen years of professional art experience in children’s apparel and surface design. I’m an adoptive mommy who shares a love of Halloween, theme parks, and everything Frozen with my eight-year-old daughter.
Thank you for your consideration.
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Post by Daniel Tess on Jul 9, 2022 18:01:30 GMT -5
This sounds like an important story to get out there. But the blurb has work to be done on it in terms of increasing clarity.Dear [agent name], A Snicker of Magic meets Because of Winn-Dixie, WHAT STARS REMEMBER is a 40,000 word contemporary fantasy inspired by my dad and grandpa’s battles with dementia. Although it tackles a tough subject, the story is told with whimsy and hope like books by Natalie Lloyd. In the seaside town of Starlight Cove, everyone sends a nightly wish to their personal constellation in the stars. When 11-year-old Serendipity’s grandpa starts losing his memory this feels a bit abstract. It should feel like gut punch. Maybe getting a bit more specific would help? What's the most tragic thing he forgets? Grandpa isn't losing this abstract idea of memories, he's loosing bits of himself, and bits of his past. Make us feel that impact., the only wish she wants to come true is for his memory loss to stop. But it’s not. she wishes for him to get better. Desperate to force the wish true, she catches a shooting star during the annual meteor shower, accidentally stranding her shape-shifting constellation, Alcor, on Earth. I'm entirely disoriented. How does she catch the shooting star? Does she reach out to the night sky and pinch it between her thumb and index finger? Does she board a starship and picks up the meteorite in her shuttle's spacious boot? And why does catching a shooting star affect her constelation? Constelations are real stars, and shooting stars are meteorites that burn up when they enter the atmosphere. And this is the first time you mentioned that her constellation shape-shifts. More worldbuilding clarity is needed. Feels like there are a few leaps of judgement that you expect the reader to make which I'm not catching onto as I go. With her hope renewed It sounded to me like she just stranded someone on Earth. This is a bad thing, right? So to be then told this gave her hope, feels a bit of a non sequitur. You should thoroughly explore the catching of this star before moving on. But you may even find a way to end here. The best friend and her furry critters feel like they could be a whole other can of worms. Keep the blurb to three people. Serendipity, Grandpa, and the Star. Figure out how and why the catching of the star gets things out of whack, and show the readers what the MC must do to fix things. What consequence comes if she can't. What worse consequence will happen if she can. Like, is the star hostage?
I can't really comment on what follows, as I don't understand what's going on. by the discovery that starlings are living magical creatures, she’s confident she and Alcor can save Grandpa. When an innocent wish for pets by her best friend results in an infestation of floofy critters at school, Serendipity realizes there’s something off with Alcor’s grants. Determined to fix wishing I hadn't picked up on the fact that wishing was broken. Just that weird unexplained stuff is happening, Serendipity and her starling continue to try to influence wish outcomes They've been influencing wish outcomes? to what they desire. But the more they practice, the worse Grandpa’s memory loss gets, and black holes form in Alcor’s starlight fur. Makes it sound like they're to blame. But why would they be to blame for these things? I don't know. Grandpa already had dementia. Alcor has fur? Afraid her Grandpa and starling are both being erased Being erased from where? How do the symptoms previously outlined mean they could get erased?, Serendipity digs into the origin of wishing in Starlight Cove, only to discover the key to saving Grandpa and her starling lies deep in Grandpa’s lost memories. I’m also an illustrator and I’d like to add black and white, full-page and spot illustrations throughout this book. I’ve indicated a few instances for art in the manuscript; however, I foresee illustrations every other chapter or so. I’ve attached a pdf of art samples to this email. My full portfolio can be found on my website dianadebolt.com. The first chapter of this manuscript is a Storymakers award winner. My writing has been showcased in Pitch Wars and Query Kombat. I’m a high school animation teacher with eighteen years of professional art experience in children’s apparel and surface design. I’m an adoptive mommy who shares a love of Halloween, theme parks, and everything Frozen with my eight-year-old daughter. Pretty long for a bio, but you have writing creds in there, and business stuff, so I believe it's good the way it is.Thank you for your consideration.
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Post by RebeccaJ_Allen on Jul 14, 2022 17:22:31 GMT -5
Hey, Diana! Great to see you here! This is an important topic and I'm glad you're tackling it with "whimsy and hope." It sounds quite fun.
I have some comments in the thread. Use what works and toss the rest!
All the best, Rebecca
Dear [agent name], A Snicker of Magic meets Because of Winn-Dixie, WHAT STARS REMEMBER is a 40,000 word contemporary fantasy inspired by my dad and grandpa’s battles with dementia. Although it tackles a tough subject, the story is told with whimsy and hope like books by Natalie Lloyd. I wonder if Wolf's Curse by Jessica Vitalis might be a good comp b/c Winn-Dixie is old and Snicker of Magic, while not old, isn't new.In the seaside town of Starlight Cove, everyone sends a nightly wish to their personal constellation in the stars. When 11-year-old Serendipity’s grandpa starts losing his memory, the only wish she wants to come true is for his memory loss to stop. [this is great!]But it’s not. [but it doesn't?]Desperate to force the wish true, she catches a shooting star during the annual meteor shower, accidentally stranding her shape-shifting constellation, Alcor, on Earth. With her hope renewed by the discovery that starlings are living magical creatures, she’s confident she and Alcor can save Grandpa. When an innocent wish for pets by her best friend results in an infestation of floofy critters at school, Serendipity realizes there’s something off with Alcor’s grants. [love!]Determined to fix wishing, Serendipity and her starling continue to try to influence wish outcomes to what they desire. [could this be said in a more fun or voicy way. Like, " after clearing up the floofs, Serendipity tries to help her starling try to get better at granting wishes.] But the more they practice, the worse Grandpa’s memory loss gets, and black holes form in Alcor’s starlight fur. Afraid her Grandpa and starling are both being erased, Serendipity digs into the origin of wishing in Starlight Cove, only to discover the key to saving Grandpa and her starling lies deep in Grandpa’s lost memories. [this is great but i want a stronger end. like...Starling needs to uncover those memories before she loses both Grandpa and her starling. i mean, i'm sure you can do better. but that type of thing.]I’m also an illustrator and I’d like to add black and white, full-and spot illustrations throughout this book. [cool!] I’ve indicated a few instances for art in the manuscript; however, I foresee illustrations every other chapter or so. I’ve attached a pdf of art samples to this email. My full portfolio can be found on my website dianadebolt.com. The first chapter of this manuscript is a Storymakers award winner. My writing has been showcased in Pitch Wars and Query Kombat. I’m a high school animation teacher with eighteen years of professional art experience in children’s apparel and surface design. I’m an adoptive mommy who shares a love of Halloween, theme parks, and everything Frozen with my eight-year-old daughter. Thank you for your consideration. |
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Post by DianaDeBolt on Jul 14, 2022 17:42:23 GMT -5
Thank you Rebecca! Your notes are very helpful!
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