Before White

[teacherdrama]

Any feedback would be great!

Dear

I am currently seeking representation for my MG novel Before White. Given your interest in (Personalize), I thought you might be a perfect fit for my book. Before White is complete at 65,000 words.

Thirteen year old Prince Jack has had enough of learning about crop rotations and proper manners at court from his father. He’s ready to leave the castle for an adventure. When his home is suddenly attacked by an invading army of wizards, he suddenly gets his chance. Jack’s father is seriously injured, and the prince is sent from the castle by the court wizard for his safety. Jack soon learns that he is to begin the Trial to prove he is ready to be king. It turns out that the magical basket used to guide people out of this life has gone missing, and those who have “died” are unable to move on. It becomes Jack’s mission to find and safely return the basket, even after learning that doing so will end up killing his father.

As Jack’s Trial gets under way, his classmate Stan faces his own ordeal. Stan’s family name has been ruined, and he has made a deal with a Demon-Fairy to restore his honor, not knowing the devastation his actions will bring to his home. Stan soon finds himself with the basket Jack is searching for, running from an ancient wizard who will do anything it takes to have control over life and death for his own selfish purposes.

Jack and Stan must both make impossible choices, figure out who they can trust, and learn how it’s sometimes necessary to let go, all with the help of an amateur witch, a Demon-Fairy, and a sometimes invisible dragon.

Before White is similar to the child’s search for the reason behind an attack on their parents of The Reader by Traci Chee, and the choice of whether or not to betray one’s family (and, well, dragon riders) of Fireborne by Rosaria Mundie.

As a middle school teacher for twenty years, I’ve come to learn what kids are looking for in their fantasy - exciting adventure, relatable characters (and pets!), and struggles with difficult choices. I believe Before White is accessible to kids moving into YA books as the decisions Jack and Stan face mirror those the kids deal with in their own lives.

As a writing teacher, my main goal has always been to have every student leave my class with a love of story. I have had a couple of short stories published in a now defunct literary magazine. In my spare time, I love theater, movies, board games and cooking.

I look forward to your response.

Thank you,
Jason Flum

[cecilewrites]

Hi Jason! 

this story looks cool I just have a few quick things (in list format just because it's easier to type, no particular priority).

• I think the novel title should be in ALL CAPS
• Visually it's a bit confusing because of the short paragraphs. I think it's good to stick to a more 'traditional format' = 1 para (intro and personalization) opening of story + 3 paragraph the story, + 1 paragraph the bio (yours is currently on 2 paragraphs)
• Check for some word repetitions. Example in your opening you repeat twice "suddenly" in the same sentence. 
• I don't really have a good understanding if this is high fantasy or more contemporary. We start with a prince facing trials but then there is a "classmate" - does he go to school? This is a bit anticlimactic and confusing - maybe could be clarified. 
• Is this a dual POV? The query gives a lot of space to Stan so I assume it is, but it would help to clarify this when you introduce the novel like "BEFORE SNOW is a dual-POV MG Fantasy..."
• Which brings me to the fact you don't specify the genre (just age group - MG) - 'novel' is not a category. Is this Fantasy? Contemp. Fantasy? Urban?
• I would merge your two little bio paragraphs into a longer sequence

I hope this is helpful!
Cecile

[beautifulbrainbooks]

Hello Jason,

This seems like such an interesting book! It's also clear you have a lot of experience with the age group. There's just a few things I could see that may approve it.

Using suddenly twice in the same sentence can make for a confusing read. I also agree with Cecile that it is confusing what sub-genre of fantasy this falls in. I also think that I get a better explanation of what is going on with Prince Jack than Stan; I was a bit confused of what was going on with Stan. I would also include the name of the literary magazine.

This looks like a great story, and I hope you have fun with it!

Kerenza (she/her)

[teacherdrama]

Jul 11, 2022 9:38:35 GMT -5 cecilewrites said:

Thanks for the feedback.  I rewrote - what do you think?

Dear

I am currently seeking representation for my dual-POV MG novel BEFORE WHITE. Given your interest in fantasy, I thought you might be a perfect fit for my book. BEFORE WHITE is complete at 65,000 words.

Thirteen year old Prince Jack has had enough of learning about crop rotations and proper manners at court from his father. He’s ready to leave the castle for an adventure. When his home is suddenly attacked by an invading army of wizards, he gets his chance. Jack’s father is seriously injured, and the prince is sent from the castle by the court wizard for his safety. Jack soon learns that he is to begin the Trial to prove he is ready to be king. It turns out that the magical basket used to guide people out of this life has gone missing, and those who have “died” are unable to move on. It becomes Jack’s mission to find and safely return the basket, even after learning that doing so will end up killing his father.

Stan Reichard lives in Jack’s castle, and in a parallel story, faces his own ordeal. Stan’s family name has been ruined, and he has made a deal with a Demon-Fairy to restore his honor. Stan is conflicted when he learns of the devastation the deal brings to his adopted home. He soon finds himself with the basket Jack is searching for, running from an evil wizard who will do anything it takes to have control over the magical basket himself.

Jack and Stan must both make impossible choices, figure out who they can trust, and learn how it’s sometimes necessary to let go, all with the help of an amateur witch, a Demon-Fairy, and a sometimes invisible dragon.

Before White is similar to the child’s search for the reason behind an attack on their parents of The Reader by Traci Chee, and the choice of whether or not to betray one’s family (and, well, dragon riders) of Fireborne by Rosaria Mundie.

As a middle school teacher for twenty years, I’ve come to learn what kids are looking for in their fantasy - exciting adventure, relatable characters (and pets!), and struggles with difficult choices. I believe BEFORE WHITE is accessible to kids moving from MG into YA books as the decisions Jack and Stan face mirror those the kids deal with in their own lives. As a writing teacher, my main goal has always been to have every student leave my class with a love of story. I have had a couple of short stories published in a now defunct literary magazine (EMERALD TALES). In my spare time, I love theater, movies, board games and cooking.

I look forward to your response.

Thank you,
Jason Flum

[ledelbrock]

Hi Jason,

I like your revision a lot.

1. I think you could combine the first and second to last paragraphs. Example:

Given your interest in fantasy, I'm submitting for your consideration my dual-POV MG fantasy BEFORE WHITE. Complete at 65,000 words, BEFORE WHITE will appeal to fans of The Reader by Traci Chee and Fireborne by Rosarie Mundie.*

*Note: I know this example took the themes out but it felt a little spoiler-y for the query? You can certainly include them though.

2. You already say it is dual POV so I don't believe you need this: and in a parallel story, faces his own ordeal.

Rather, I'd like to know WHY Stan lives in Jack's castle and then dive into his story. i.e. Stan Reichard, son of the Royal Chef, lives in Jack's castle. Stan's family name has been ruined (why? how?) and now he's made...

3. Finally, I think we need to understand how Jack and Stan's stories intertwine. They both have to make similar choices, but how do their stories intersect and what do they have to do with each other? Flesh that out a bit and I think you've got a winner!

Good luck! Hope some of this helps.

Liz

[teacherdrama]

Jul 12, 2022 8:45:42 GMT -5 ledelbrock said:

"Hi Jason,

I like your revision a lot.

1. I think you could combine the first and second to last paragraphs. Example:

Given your interest in fantasy, I'm submitting for your consideration my dual-POV MG fantasy BEFORE WHITE. Complete at 65,000 words, BEFORE WHITE will appeal to fans of The Reader by Traci Chee and Fireborne by Rosarie Mundie.*

*Note: I know this example took the themes out but it felt a little spoiler-y for the query? You can certainly include them though.

2. You already say it is dual POV so I don't believe you need this: and in a parallel story, faces his own ordeal.

Rather, I'd like to know WHY Stan lives in Jack's castle and then dive into his story. i.e. Stan Reichard, son of the Royal Chef, lives in Jack's castle. Stan's family name has been ruined (why? how?) and now he's made...

3. Finally, I think we need to understand how Jack and Stan's stories intertwine. They both have to make similar choices, but how do their stories intersect and what do they have to do with each other? Flesh that out a bit and I think you've got a winner!

Good luck! Hope some of this helps.

Liz"






Hi - so I took your advice and rewrote the Stan paragraph.  I think it gives more of a sense of who Stan is and the stakes for him. I like the paragraph under it because those other characters are key to the story, but it gets too wordy including them in the above two paragraphs.  What do you think about this:

Dear

Given your interest in fantasy, I'm submitting for your consideration my dual-POV MG fantasy BEFORE WHITE. Complete at 65,000 words, BEFORE WHITE will appeal to fans of The Reader by Traci Chee and Fireborne by Rosarie Mundie.*

Thirteen year old Prince Jack Le Chars has had enough of learning about crop rotations and proper manners at court from his father. He’s ready to leave the castle for an adventure. When his home is suddenly attacked by an invading army of wizards, he gets his chance. Jack’s father is seriously injured, and the prince is sent from the castle by the court wizard for his safety. Jack soon learns that he is to begin the Trial to prove he is ready to be king. It turns out that the magical basket used to guide people out of this life has gone missing, and those who have “died” are unable to move on. It becomes Jack’s mission to find and safely return the basket, even after learning that doing so will end up killing his father.

When Stan Reichard’s family is disgraced for stealing, he is sent to live in Castle Le Chars in the hopes that he can have a normal life. Stan makes a deal with a Demon-Fairy to restore his name, unaware of the devastation this will bring to his adopted home. Soon, Stan is on the run from the castle with the Demon-Fairy pursuing him. After an encounter with a powerful evil wizard, Stan finds himself with the very basket Jack is searching for. Unsure who he can trust, Stan must make decisions about what is right and wrong as he faces two powerful beings who are in an epic battle over life and death.

Jack and Stan must both make impossible choices, figure out who they can trust, and learn how it’s sometimes necessary to let go, all with the help of an amateur witch, an old telepathic wizard, and a feisty, sometimes invisible mini-dragon.

As a middle school teacher for twenty years, I’ve come to learn what kids are looking for in their fantasy - exciting adventure, relatable characters (and pets!), and struggles with difficult choices. I believe BEFORE WHITE is accessible to kids moving from MG into YA books as the decisions Jack and Stan face mirror those the kids deal with in their own lives. As a writing teacher, my main goal has always been to have every student leave my class with a love of story. I have had a couple of short stories published in a now defunct literary magazine (EMERALD TALES). In my spare time, I love theater, movies, board games and cooking.

I look forward to your response.

Thank you,
Jason Flum

[taratlk]

I really like the revisions you've made.
I had two notes. One (and I do this too, it's so hard) the query may benefit from some tightening

Like Jack was bored, but then the castle gets attacked and now he has to start the Trial to see if he's ready to be king. <--probably too tight, but something to chew on.

Also, both your comps are YA. I know you mentioned wanting to target an upper MG audience, but my two cents would be to have at least one comp that's MG.

[ledelbrock]

teacherdrama

Oh yes, love the Stan paragraph. Definitely makes him feel like a second MC, not a supporting character. And you can tell how the two characters are involved together in the story.

I also love the last paragraph, adds some fun and personality!

I think Tara is right, you could probably tighten Jack's paragraph a bit (I don't know that you need the injured king) and agree an upper MG comp would be helpful!

[teacherdrama]

All right, I've rewritten AGAIN with all the feedback I've gotten.  Thank you to any who are reading this - I really appreciate the feedback.  What do we think about this?:


Dear

Given your interest in fantasy, I'm submitting for your consideration my dual-POV MG fantasy BEFORE WHITE. Complete at 65,000 words, BEFORE WHITE will appeal to fans of Dragon Castle by Joseph Bruchac and The Secret of Deadwillow Carse by Brian Farrey.

Thirteen year old Prince Jack Le Chars has had enough of learning about crop rotations and proper manners at court from his father. He’s ready to leave the castle for an adventure. When his home is suddenly attacked by an invading army of wizards, he gets his chance. Jack’s father is seriously injured, and the prince is sent from the castle for his safety.

After hopelessly trying to return home, Jack is told by the telepathic court wizard that the magical basket used to guide people out of life has gone missing. Those who have “died” are unable to move on and are caught in a condition called “before white.” It becomes Jack’s mission to find and safely return the basket, even after he learns that doing so will likely kill his father.

Along his journey, Jack faces a host of obstacles: a Demon-Fairy who is trying to save her sister, a sometimes invisible mini-dragon dealing with the traumas of captivity, three witches in disguise who paint the souls out of their prisoners, and an ancient evil wizard who wants more nothing more than to own the basket for himself so he can become the most powerful man in the world. With the help of an amateur witch and a fellow classmate who is trying to restore his own family’s name, Jack must figure out if he can restore order to the world and save his father at the same time.


As a middle school teacher for twenty years, I’ve come to learn what kids are looking for in their fantasy - exciting adventure, relatable characters (and pets!), and struggles with difficult choices. I believe BEFORE WHITE is accessible to kids moving from MG into YA books as the decisions Jack and Stan face mirror those the kids deal with in their own lives. As a writing teacher, my main goal has always been to have every student leave my class with a love of story. I have had a couple of short stories published in a now defunct literary magazine (EMERALD TALES). In my spare time, I love theater, movies, board games and cooking.

I look forward to your response.

Thank you,
Jason Flum

[melpend]

Hi Jason,

You say in the first paragraph that Jack is ready to leave the castle and he gets his chance. But the second paragraph starts with "After hopelessly trying to return home." That seems contradictory since he wanted to get away. Do you need that first part? Can you start the second paragraph with "Jack is told by the telepathic court wizard that..."?

I like the stakes - "save the world and save his father at the same time." That's good!

[teacherdrama]

That does work. There's a spell on the castle that makes it impossible for Jack to return, despite his instinct being to get back home to help fight the invading wizards. I guess I don't need that phrasing in the query.  

Thanks!